OJ Simpson Jokes

"O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in prison for all this. Isn't that something? You kill two people, you get nothing -- but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, 'Wow. Now I really have done it all.' –Conan O’Brien

"O.J. Simpson was released on bail today. ... O.J. was charged with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon, of course, was O.J." --Jay Leno "When the cops arrested O.J., they found him at the blackjack table trying to play the race card." –Jay Leno

"One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won't press charges. In exchange, O.J. has promised not to double murder the man." --Conan O'Brien

"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys ... to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' ... So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed." --Jimmy Kimmel

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now." --Jay Leno

"If the world's off track, O.J. must come back. ... But is it too late? Would a media so focused on elevating national discourse in this election cycle even notice? [on screen: multiple news reports that 'whatever happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas']. You did it, O.J. You're a uniter. By the way, Las Vegas is now changing its slogan to 'Las Vegas: No One Leaves This Room Motherf-----.'" --Jon Stewart

"They say O.J. [Simpson] was involved in a robbery at a Las Vegas casino. ... He was at The Palms, which is the same hotel where Britney Spears sang in the MTV Awards. That makes two failed comebacks in the same week. ... O.J. Simpson said he was in Vegas with some golf buddies for a wedding, and one of the guys just happened to have a gun. Really? Who goes golfing with a gun? ... Robert Blake? And second of all, who invites O.J. to their wedding?" --Jay Leno

"Everybody today talking about Mr. O.J. Simpson. ... O.J. Simpson was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, 'I've still got it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Apparently, after O.J. was taken into custody, he was questioned by police. He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there's no way he committed the crime because it's not murdery enough." --Conan O'Brien

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman