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David Letterman Jokes

Funny Jokes by David Letterman

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David Letterman
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"Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money." –David Letterman

"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket." –David Letterman

"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." –David Letterman

"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman

"The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?" –David Letterman

"I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?" –David Letterman

"Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'" –David Letterman

"Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river." –David Letterman

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical." –David Letterman

"Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor." –David Letterman

"They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero." –David Letterman

"Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected." –David Letterman

"Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him." –David Letterman

"Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off." –David Letterman

"You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich." –David Letterman

"I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'" –David Letterman

"They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon." –David Letterman

"Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like." –David Letterman

"I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'" –David Letterman

"Don't you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting? … Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch. … He looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation." –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful. If she gains 10 more pounds, Bill's to start hitting on her." –David Letterman

"Doctors say Dick Cheney need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn't worried. He's already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman

"Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush is writing a book....It's all part of his war on literacy." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for." –David Letterman

"Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot." –David Letterman

"Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." –David Letterman

"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us." –David Letterman

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." –David Letterman

"President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy, 'Don't Know, Don't Care.' That's a whole different deal." –David Letterman

"John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." –David Letterman

"I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization." –David Letterman

"President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound." –David Letterman

"The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'" –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'" –David Letterman

"They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million." –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin." –David Letterman

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities. "–David Letterman

"On his book tour President Bush is being very candid. He says he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" "–David Letterman

"Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week's TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she's rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain." "–David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes SHE should tell us what to do." –David Letterman

"Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah ... But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." –David Letterman

"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial." –David Letterman

"How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I'm leaving 10%, that's good enough ... John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house ... He looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings ... He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors." –David Letterman

"I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi ... She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes ... She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench ... She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing ... She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." –David Letterman

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