Democratic Convention Jokes

"At the convention John Kerry showed up with all his Vietnam crewmates. And not to be outdone, next month at the Republican Convention George W. Bush is going to show up with all his college drinking buddies." —David Letterman

"Last night, wow, John Edwards delivered a positive message to America that hope is on the way, hope is on the way! And today, Dick Cheney replied, 'That is a lie. The world is a pit of misery and despair.'" —Craig Kilborn

"How many of you saw John Kerry's acceptance speech? It's the first time he's ever said 'I do' and didn't get any money." —Craig Kilborn

"Did you see any of that convention? Oh, my God. Wow! For that kind of excitement you had to go back to the Gore/Lieberman era." —David Letterman

"How many of you folks watched the Democratic convention? It's over and now the Republicans have just one month to become ethnically diverse." —David Letterman

"Did you see John Edwards speaking? His speech was so dull that Teresa Heinz Kerry told him to shove it!" —David Letterman

"Edwards' speech was so good, when he finished, the delegates awarded him $80 million plus punitive damages." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry earlier tonight accepted the nomination, and out of habit, Al Gore demanded a recount." —David Letterman

"John Edwards spoke at the Democratic Convention. He described John Kerry by saying, 'He's strong, decisive, and hogs the covers.'" —Craig Kilborn

"The Democratic National Convention continued in Boston as rising star Barack Obama wowed the crowd with the best keynote address in recent memory. Obama was so impressive, the party's considering having him give John Kerry's concession speech." —Craig Kilborn

"And the big convention kickoff. Monday's theme: 'The Kerry-Edwards plan for America's future.' It was a powerful message lacking only Kerry, Edwards, and a plan for America's future. In its stead: dance party!" —Jon Stewart

"As you know the presidential conventions are coming up. You know how much time the major networks are going to devote to convention coverage? Three hours. Three hours total. One hour a night for three nights to pick a president. That's about one-tenth of the time we devote to finding an 'American Idol.'" —Jay Leno

"Boston is the perfect city for the Democrats, cause the Democrats are like the Red Sox. They're optimistic in the spring, concerned in the summer, and ready to choke in the fall." —Jay Leno

"The Kerry campaign said that John Kerry will show his softer side at the convention. You already see him and Edwards fondling each other. What, are they going to be spooning now?" —Jay Leno

"During the Democratic Convention Bill Clinton is scheduled to host a policy briefing at the Wang Theater. Don't they see what his is leading to? That's like the Republicans putting Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Hooters restaurant." —Jay Leno

"The Democratic National Convention gets under way this week in Boston, which is tragically preparing for its turn at the national stage. By the way, all the security isn't to keep people out -- it's to keep people in during Hillary's speech." —Craig Kilborn

"President Reagan's son Ron Reagan is going to be a featured speaker at the Democratic convention. President Bush says he is not worried. He said, 'Who wants to listen to the son of a former president speak at a convention?'" —Jay Leno

"In what will have to pass as the convention's biggest surprise, Ron Reagan Jr., son of the recently sainted Republican president, will address the convention on the subject of stem cell research. The Republican attack machine has already countered by announcing their convention's keynote address will be delivered by Roger Clinton on the subject of, 'I Thought You Said There'd Be Girls Here."' —Jon Stewart

"The Democrats are having their convention up in Boston and they've announced their convention line up. Here's the big surprise, they're not going to allow Hillary Clinton to speak at the convention. When Bill Clinton heard this he said, 'How do you do that.'" —David Letterman

"The Democratic National Committee released it's lineup of the politicians that will speak at the convention and Hillary Clinton is not on the list. But today Bill told her don't feel bad, none of his other women are speaking either." —Jay Leno

"Some possible high-profile terrorists targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." —Craig Kilborn