Transcript of Dick Cheney's Speech at the 2008 Radio & TV Correspondents Dinner

Following is the transcript of Dick Cheney's remarks at the 2008 Radio-TV Correspondents' dinner:

You'd be amazed at how many guys want to go fishing with me these days.

Well, thank you very much, Steve. Thanks for the introduction. Lynn and I have enjoyed ourselves very much this evening. We want to thank the Radio Television Correspondents' Association for inviting us, and we congratulate all the award recipients.

You all know how to make a guy feel welcome. Obviously, you're not the kind to look down on a "bitter" man who clings to his guns.

And I was just as surprised as you were to see Governor Mitt Romney. And though I enjoyed his props and slides, I won't be needing any myself. I'm counting, as usual, on the power of my charm and charisma.

But Mitt was great, and I understand he's interested in running for vice president with Senator McCain. Mitt, let me give you a little nugget of advice. Never mind the resume, the policy ideas, or any of that stuff. Just get yourself on that search committee.

As the president said in his video message, he's hosting a dinner in honor of the visit of Pope Benedict, and I myself met with His Holiness this morning at the White House. So between that and this dinner with the media, it's been quite a day for me. I spent the morning with one infallible authority, and now I get to spend the evening with a thousand of them.

I was glad to talk to the pope. It's rare that I run into somebody who's heard more secrets than I have. When the moment was right, I even took the pope aside and confided to him that I'd been thinking a lot of unkind thoughts lately about the news media. I went on and on, and finally said, "Your Holiness, I just don't think they like me."

The pope replied, "So?"

It's always very exciting when the pope comes to town. And I am modest enough to realize that all of you would rather see the pope standing here than me. But instead of the successor to St. Peter, you're stuck with me, the successor to St. Al.

Speaking of Vice President Gore, I'm sorry to relate that he's a little bit sore at me. He's convinced that, on global warming, I just don't get it. But lately with every passing day, the evidence has been catching my attention. I have no doubt, none at all, that we are in the midst of a global warming, or as I prefer to call it, spring. And I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but it's going to get a lot warmer before it gets cooler.

But I want you to know I'm doing my part to meet the crisis by reducing my carbon footprint big-time. Every time I'm rushed to the hospital, I insist on a hybrid ambulance.

You heard it from the president himself tonight, that I'm the funniest guy he knows. I'll take that compliment, but I'll try to forget that it comes from the same fellow who thinks that 9 p.m. is late, who believes ginger ale is a night cap, and who thinks paradise is 40 miles west of Waco.

It could also be that, by sending me here, the president's trying to soften up my image. After all these years, all the time we've spent together, he persists in thinking I come across as a cold, forbidding, even frightening man.

But the president's not alone. Even my wife seems to think my image needs polishing. At breakfast today I asked Lynn if, deep down, it bugs her that people have taken to calling me Darth Vader. She said, "Not at all. It humanizes you."

All the same, I'm very glad to be here tonight, in the president's usual place, and it's good to share the stage with so many dignitaries, including Majority Leader Hoyer, Minority Leader McConnell, Chairman Dingell, Minority Whip Kyl, and that great TV personality and blogger, Mo Rocca.

In case you don't know it, Mo's blog is titled "Mo Rocca 180: Only Half as Tedious as the Regular News." Among his other credits, Mo used to host a TV show called "Things I Hate About You." I'm sure I've seen that program. Only I believe it's now called "Countdown with Keith Olbermann."

Keith's not here tonight to savor my company, but we do have many big names from the broadcast media. And you could use a little good cheer, because these are tough times in your industry, in this age of YouTube and the blogs that threaten to overshadow the old media.

At times you must feel like you're at the center of events, but nobody's really paying attention to you. You understand the world better than anybody, but no one wants to hear it. Now you know exactly what it's like to be vice president.

But I've had frustrations of my own. I'm old news in this election, but I want a piece of the action. I'm fired up for my own candidate, but the feeling isn't always returned. I feel kind of like Bill Clinton.

But like you, I've been watching the campaign with interest, and I really want John McCain to win. I'm proud to support John, even though one of the Democrats running is a relative of mine. He's Senator Obama to you, but he's cousin Barack to me.

Amazingly enough, it turns out that Barack is also related to Brad Pitt. That means Dick Cheney and Brad Pitt are related, which explains what Angelina sees in that guy. In case you're looking -- in any case, you're looking at somebody who is just a couple degrees of separation from the sexiest man alive.

Barack Obama and I have had our disagreements, and, frankly, I do wish he'd keep these things in the family. For example, I keep telling him it's time to start thinking about a choice for vice president. He says he'll find a running mate just as soon as he's got himself a new pastor. I like that one.

I guess my cousin Barack has sat through some mighty riveting sermons over the years. If he gets elected, you're not going to want to miss those Washington prayer breakfasts.

Next: Dick Cheney on Taking Hillary Clinton Hunting