Presidential Debate Jokes

"62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That's almost one viewer for every time President Bush said 'mixed message.'" --Bill Maher

"Political experts say President Bush was off his game. He looked distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That is Bush's game." --Jay Leno

"Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things: study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time." --Jay Leno

"Last night's debate was about foreign policy. And if you saw it, you know Bush spent the entire time bragging about the capture of Cat Stevens." --David Letterman

"That's it for George W. Bush. He will not have to participate in the next debate. Yeah, his dad got him out of it." --David Letterman

"Experts are saying if this had been a game show, Bush would've gone home with a handshake and a quart of motor oil." --David Letterman

"President Bush and Senator John Kerry's first debate was held last Thursday. While neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry was the winner. Though Bush later complained it was because he couldn't get his buzzer to work." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Before the debate, Bush is concerned about the lectern, he's worried about the room temperature and the lighting. Kerry is making the mistake of worrying about the issues." --David Letterman

"A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions." --Jay Leno

"Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week to prepare for the debates. In fact, he's having a microchip implanted in his ear. This will allow Dick Cheney to speak to him directly. 'It's pronounced 'Fallujah' 'Abu Ghraib.'" --Jay Leno

"Kerry's people have been advising him to keep it simple. They say Kerry always gets the biggest pay off when he uses the shortest sentences. Like when he said 'I do.'" --Jay Leno

"Everyone is talking about the debate ground rules. Kerry wants his podium to be tall enough so he can rest his hands. And President Bush wants it to be wide enough to hide Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"The first presidential debate is Thursday in Florida. I think it's Bush's way of saying thank-you for that last crooked election." --David Letterman

"A lot of people underestimate President Bush when it comes to a debate. He's pretty good at it. You know back in college he was able to argue both sides of that 'Taste great, less filling' debate." --Jay Leno

"It looks like President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on three debates. Kerry wanted more but Bush said no; he thought three was a good even number." --Jay Leno

"Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message." --Jay Leno

"Democrats are saying that President Bush is refusing to take part in a town hall debate with John Kerry because Bush is worried about the questions the audience will ask him. After hearing this, the president said, 'That's ridiculous. I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers." --Conan O'Brien

"Now the candidate are arguing over the exact format these debates will take. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium, Bush wants to stand behind Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't talk like a regular average Joe and he said, 'Au contraire!"' --Jay Leno

"The debate deal for three debates almost fell apart because John Kerry did not want a light to flash when his time was almost up. And George Bush didn't want a light to flash because he's easily distracted." --Jay Leno

"Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It's kind of like "The Apprentice" except WE get to fire somebody." --Jay Leno

"The security at the debate, you can understand this, was very tight. They even searched the bags under Jim Lehrer's eyes." --David Letterman

"Well, the first Kerry-Bush debate between President Bush and John Kerry takes place Thursday in Miami. And today, thousands of local residents began evacuating." --David Letterman

"The ground rules for the debates: The candidates must remain at least 10 feet apart, and they cannot talk directly to one another. It's actually based on the John Kerry-Teresa Heinz Kerry pre-nup agreement." --David Letterman

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