Midterm Election Jokes

"This week, on Tuesday night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush held a news conference where he vowed to work with the new Democratic majority, which, if true, can mean only one thing: the Democrats have a nuclear bomb." --Amy Poehler

"This was a big week. Democrats won in places they were never even competitive before--like America." --Bill Maher

"The Democrats are feeling something that they haven't felt in quite some time, I believe the emotion is -- and I don't know if I'll be able to pronounce this -- 'hope.'" --Jon Stewart

"What a day for the Democrats. They've won the House of Representatives, they are poised to take the Senate as well, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned, and this just in, Dick Cheney came out as gay." --Jon Stewart

"Even though the Republican lost big on Tuesday, they've been busy all day in Washington. They’ve been spending all day packing up their bribe money." –David Letterman

"Dennis Hastert is no longer Speaker of the House. Don't worry about Dennis. He's going to be the new before-guy for Jenny Craig." –David Letterman

"The new Speaker of the House is Nancy Pelosi. She had lunch today with President Bush, but the lunch honestly did not go well. She would not pass him anything he asked for." –David Letterman

"You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno

"It's ironic because Republicans always wanted to appeal to minorities. Now they are one." --Jay Leno

"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. This election was kind of like a bad divorce –- they got rejected, insulted, and lost the House." –Jay Leno

"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno

"The only Republican now with a mandate is Congressman Mark Foley." --Jay Leno

"There were many reports of problems with the voting machines yesterday, especially with touch-screen voting machines. In fact, in Congressman Mark Foley's district, some of the machines were touched inappropriately." --Conan O'Brien

"If the results hold up, George Allen will no longer be able to put the word senator in front of his name. He'll have to go back to his old title, 'Imperial wizard.' He was just two racial slurs away from winning." --Jay Leno

"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

"You know what really gets me, Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. 'Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!' We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert

Dan Rather, providing election an analysis on The Daily Show:
"She ran away with it like a hobo with a sweet potato pie." --on Hillary Clinton's Senate victory
"I'd say as ugly as a hog lagoon after a bachelor party." --on the Virginia Senate race
"If you ain't got the yolk, you can't emulsify the Hollandaise." --on why Rep. Don Sherwood, the Peruvian mistress wife-strangler, didn't win
"I realized pretty early on that I was just a four-dollar gopher in a two-dollar pelt." --on appearing on The Daily Show

"Midterm elections tomorrow. According to a new study, voters are more likely to vote for a candidate with good looks and charisma. If you want proof, just ask that stud Dennis Hastert." --Conan O'Brien

"Today in Florida, on the last day of campaigning, a Republican politician refused to appear in public with President Bush because the president is so unpopular. And it's worse than it sounds, because the politician was former Congressman Mark Foley." --Conan O'Brien

"They say they don't need to rely on any last minute surprises, since their Republican base is still very strong, very active, and they still have all the voting machines rigged." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow is Election Day. You folks getting ready to vote? The only thing that can stop Democrats now is a last-minute joke from John Kerry." --David Letterman

"Democrats are favored to win most races. As a matter of fact, the only Republican in Washington whose seat is safe is Lincoln." --David Letterman

"During the election, do you know what Vice President Dick Cheney will be doing? He's going spend the day hunting at his lodge in South Dakota. That's the one place you want to be if the Republicans lose -- Cheney with a gun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush warned Democrats not to celebrate too early. This is from the guy who put up the 'Mission Accomplished' sign three years ago." --Jay Leno

"How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in." --David Letterman

"Senator John Kerry gave his opponents in the struggling Republican Party a much needed distraction when he told a college audience on Monday that if you don't do well in school, you might get stuck in Iraq. Some people are taking that as a slam against our troops. Kerry says it was a botched joke about the president being dumb. It doesn't bode well when you try to make a joke about someone being dumb and you wind up looking even dumber." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's interesting. The president's approval rating is at an all-time low, North Korea's setting off bombs, Iraq is a mess, the Foley scandal keeps getting worst. Even the Democrats might not be able to blow this election." --Jay Leno

"The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first -- a disaster they were actually prepared for." --Bill Maher