Midterm Election Jokes

"Tuesday is Election Day. ... In California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is so confident of being re-elected that he's groping women again." --David Letterman

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures ... [on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. ... Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"In Las Vegas, a 32-year-old mother told police that Republican Congressman Jim Gibbons, who is running for governor in Nevada, got drunk, put his hand on her thigh, complained about his marriage, and then tried to have sex with her in the parking garage. A congressman trying to have sex with an adult woman? This is the best news Republicans have had in years." --Jay Leno

"If recent polls are correct and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush's administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it." --Seth Meyers

"The big question now is what should be done with Mark Foley's seat in Congress. I say, spray it with Lysol, boil it, coat it with Bactine, and then maybe you can sit on it." --Jay Leno

"A politician in Denver still wants voters to support him even though a videotape has surfaced of him masturbating. His campaign slogan is, 'Think of me when you're about to pull the lever.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Have you heard about the new touch screen voting? All you have to do is touch the screen. I haven't done that since the Paris Hilton video." --David Letterman

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressmen are now on their five-week break. Did you know they were off? No, you don't even know when they're working. Anyway, they have five weeks to campaign for their upcoming elections. You know, they're traveling around the country talking about the most dangerous threats to our country -- flag-burning and gay marriage." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while Mark Foley is dipping into the teens." --Jay Leno

"After being caught sending explicit emails to underage boys, Florida congressman Mark Foley has resigned. So his seat is up for grabs, which is what got him in trouble in the first place." --Jay Leno

"This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday. ... Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile." --Jay Leno

"Elections are only a few weeks away and it looks like the Republicans are going to lose a lot of them. I guess desperate times require desperate measures. [on screen: RNC's TV ad depicting another terrorist attack by Osama bin Laden, followed by a reminder to vote 11/7]. Let me get this straight. Osama bin Laden is threatening to attack America again, so what we should do is vote for the people who haven't been able to catch him for the last five years?." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Do you believe how self-destructive this Congress has become? This upcoming election is not an election, it's an intervention." --Jay Leno

"Showing that he will not be deterred by this scandal, President Bush went to Chicago yesterday for a fundraiser with the embattled Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert. Bush said he could have cancelled, but he wanted to show his unwavering commitment to the Republican principle of 'Go F--- Yourself.'" --Bill Maher

"Political experts say for the Republicans to win this November, they need something really, really big to happen -- like if President Bush suddenly finds Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Wesley Snipes." --Jay Leno

"This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses -- this is true -- most of Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia." --Jon Stewart

"According to USA Today, most of our nation's cities will be unable to evacuate in the case of a major disaster. Washington, D.C., received an F as one of the hardest cities to get out of. Unless, of course, you're a Republican in November. Then it's easy." --Jay Leno

"Political experts say the Senate race in New Jersey is 'neck and neck.' Not only is the New Jersey race 'neck and neck,' it's also 'mullet and mullet.'" --Conan O'Brien

"MySpace.com said it is launching a voter registration page targeting young adults. Sadly, the only person that the MySpace page has attracted so far is former Congressman Mark Foley." --Conan O'Brien

"In fact, some people are calling for term limits. Term limits? We need sperm limits." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, ABC premiered its current and new episode of 'Lost.' It's all about the Republicans' election chances." --David Letterman

"This week Virginia Senator George Allen introduced a bill to help black farmers. He said this wasn't to make up for anything he's said in the past. No, this going to make up for the stuff he says in the future." --Jay Leno

"More problems for Virginia Senator George Allen. As you know, he's been accused of making racially insensitive remarks. A number of classmates of Allen's have come forward and said he used the 'N' word quite a bit. He says he doesn't remember that. You know the reason he doesn't remember? Because he never said it to a black guy." --Jay Leno

"Virginia Republican Senator George Allen is in trouble for repeatedly making racially insensitive remarks, insulting people for their background and displaying Confederate memorabilia in his office. I don't get it. Today he blamed the whole thing on the Jewish-controlled media." --Jay Leno