WASHINGTON — President Bush announced today that the 2008 presidential election will be canceled due to the war on terrorism and other scheduling conflicts.
Although the U.S. Constitution expressly mandates that presidential elections be held every four years, a little-known clause in the USA Patriot Act gives the sitting president the option to cancel a presidential election and remain in office indefinitely if he deems it in the national interest.
In a brief statement from the Oval Office, Bush said, "I'm the decider, and I decide what's best," adding, "A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it."
Upon hearing the news, Democrats on Capitol Hill promptly rolled over and capitulated.
Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were unavailable for comment, as they could not be immediately resuscitated.
Sen. John McCain, speaking to reporters while in Bush's embrace, said, "Four more years? Make it a hundred. That would be fine with me."
Bush's surprise move drew mixed reaction. Liberal outposts from the New York Times editorial board to the Daily Kos website denounced the move as an outrageous coup d'etat and called for Bush's immediate impeachment, while FOX News praised it as a brave decision that will ensure Bush's legacy as the last president of the United States.
Amid calls for nationwide rioting, Bush dispatched the National Guard to the White House, where they are expected to form a protective barrier, just as soon as they return from Iraq. In the meantime, Dick Cheney has been dispatched to the South Lawn with his shotgun.
It is not clear when, if ever, another presidential election will be held. But congressional researchers announced today that they had discovered another obscure clause in the USA Patriot Act that sheds some light on the matter.
The clause, buried in a subsection called the Bush Dynasty Security Act, states that in the event George W. Bush should ever leave office, anyone not named Jeb, Jenna or Barbara is expressly prohibited from governing the country.