2008 Election Jokes

"Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It's strange, isn't it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself." --David Letterman

"Isn't that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party." --Jay Leno

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno

"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?" --David Letterman

"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming -- Hillary thawing." -Jay Leno

"There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don't think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, 'I need more lines.'" -Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement ... which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. ... The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license." -Jay Leno

"Tonight's Republican debate will be the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice." --Conan O'Brien

"After the debate they go into these spin rooms -- all the people from the various campaigns -- and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson's people said he won because he didn't fall asleep. ... Mitt Romney's campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. ... And Rudy's campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife." -Jay Leno

"Last night was the premiere of 'Dancing Around The Issues,' otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate. ... The three Democratic frontrunners said last night ... that setting a timetable for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can't project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling out troops basically depends on the situation on the ground. Otherwise known as the 'Bush plan.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain's headquarters." --Jay Leno

"Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up" --Jimmy Kimmel

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages." --Jay Leno

"They say it's just a matter of time before former senator and 'Law & Order' actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn't offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys." --Jay Leno

Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on lightning striking when Rudy Giuliani was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: "No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, 'Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.' And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, 'a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.'"

"Do you realize if Fred Thompson runs against Hillary Clinton, it'll be 'Law & Order' versus 'Cold Case'?" --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani says he believes in a woman's right to choose, and he's shown that time and time again when it comes to choosing women. He's likes to have his choice. I think this is his third one." --Jay Leno

"Last night, Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other white guys chimed in." --Conan O'Brien

"During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president" --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil." --Jay Leno

"In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton's campaign, former President Clinton says, 'Of all the candidates, Hillary has the best combination of mind and heart.' Then he said, 'Unfortunately, those are the only two parts of the female body that don't turn me on.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking about his Mormon religion, [Romney] said he can't imagine anything worse than polygamy. He said he can't imagine anything worse than having more than one wife. Then Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal" --Jay Leno

Previous

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Next