2008 Election Jokes

"The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other." --Seth Myers

"The first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library" --Conan O'Brien

"The 2008 presidential election is heating up. We have narrowed down the field to 18 candidates. 19, if you count Hillary's emotional baggage." --Stephen Colbert

"Chris Matthews was the host and asked the question, 'Raise your hand if you do not believe in evolution.' Three of these clowns raised their hands. Actually, four. But McCain just had to use the potty. ... McCain said he not only believes in evolution, he remembers it." --Bill Maher

"Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo -- those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns." --Bill Maher "The candidates came prepared. Rudy Giuliani, of course, brought his energy; McCain brought his experience; Mitt Romney brought his charm; Mike Huckabee brought his name tag." --Jay Leno, on the GOP debate

"My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, 'Who does not believe in evolution?' And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. ... They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. " --Jay Leno

"At the Reagan Library last night, President Bush's name was only mentioned once ... in the entire debate. But to be fair, you often don't hear Bush's name mentioned in libraries." --Jay Leno

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club." --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men." --Conan O'Brien

"When the Associated Press asked all the candidates what their dream job would be if they couldn't be president, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said his dream job would be center fielder for the New York Yankees. Joe Biden said he wanted to be an architect. And Dennis Kucinich said his dream is to grow up and one day become a real, live boy" --Jay Leno

"The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because 'she can't think of a better cheerleader for America.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There was the first debate last night between the eight Democratic presidential candidates. Tonight your votes were tabulated and Dennis Kucinich, you are ... going home. He has been voted off. If only it worked like that." --Conan O'Brien

"Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards apologized for his $400 haircut. He said it was a mistake ... especially in the back, where they didn't feather enough." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Senator John McCain moved to re-energize his presidential campaign with a speech to those for whom his politics are very personal -- the last uniformed Americans not deployed in Iraq, the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. ... How committed is Senator McCain? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I would rather lose a campaign than a war.'] ... Luckily for Senator McCain, he might not have to choose." --Jon Stewart

"Rudy Giuliani ... now leads Senator McCain in the latest polls by 22 points. 22. Or, as Giuliani himself might phrase it, 'Twice the number of points as the day of the month on which the World Trade Center was attacked while I was mayor. Did I mention I was mayor ... when the world was attacked ... on 9/11?'" --Jon Stewart

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. ... She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican." --Jay Leno

"The big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton has raised. It's a record. She raised $26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had leftover from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. Hillary Clinton has so much money ... John Kerry is now hitting on her." --Jay Leno

"A big issue this year is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that have been divorced -- some of them two or three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy." --Jay Leno

"Republican candidates are announcing their first quarter fundraising totals so far. Mitt Romney announced he's raised $23 million, Rudy Giuliani said he's raised $15 million, and Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he's raised two children." --Conan O'Brien

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