From Daniel Kurtzman,
Your Guide to Political Humor.
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John McCain

"In case you missed it, a few days ago Senator Clinton tried to spend $1 million on the Woodstock Concert Museum. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time." --referring to the years he spent as a P.O.W. (Watch video clip)

"We spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana. I don't know if that was a paternity issue or a criminal issue." --on wasteful congressional spending

"Thanks for the question, you little jerk." --after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (Watch video clip)

Hillary Clinton

"It is so great to be here. You know, I was worried I wouldn't make it. I was pinned down by sniper fire." --joking with Jay Leno during an appearance on "The Tonight Show"

"Maybe we should ask Barack if he's comfortable or needs another pillow." --during a debate with Barack Obama, referring to a Saturday Night Live skit as evidence of a pro-Obama media bias

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard the maiden flight of Hill-Force One. My name is Hillary and I am so pleased to have most of you on board. FAA regulations prohibit the use of any cell phones, Blackberries, or wireless devices that may be used to transmit a negative story about me." --playing flight attendant aboard her campaign plane

"Well, that hurts my feelings." --on why voters like Barack Obama better (Watch video clip)

Barack Obama

"Now that's my phone buzzing there. I don't want you to think I'm getting fresh or anything." --posing for a picture with supporters in Indiana, when he apparently felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket, against which one woman was closely pressed

"Three words: Vice President Oprah" --the #1 item from Barack Obama's Top Ten Campaign Promises, which he presented on the Letterman show

"I would have to...investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother." --on whether Bill Clinton was "our first black president"

"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." --on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (Watch video clip)

"Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon." (Watch the video)

Mike Huckabee

"Let's be clear: None of these guys made me. This great nation made me. So vote for me. God bless America and forget these three idiots." --on the dispute between Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, and Jon Stewart over who made Mike Huckabee

"I'm from Hope, Arkansas, you may have heard of it. All I'm asking is, give us one more chance."

"We've had a Congress that's spent money like John Edwards at a beauty shop."

"Whether we need to send somebody to Mars, I don't know. But I'll tell you what, if we do, I've got a few suggestions, and maybe Hillary could be on the first rocket."

Mitt Romney

"I frankly can't wait, because the idea of Bill Clinton back in the White House with nothing to do is something I just can't imagine." --on how he would run against the Clintons

"If I adopt the same policy, we're going to need a heck of a lot more chairs in the Cabinet room." --Romney, who is a Mormon, referring to Rudy Giuliani's comment that he might let his wife attend Cabinet meetings

"I think the reason that some 28, 29 percent are not comfortable voting for a Mormon is they think they're voting for Harry Reid." -- on Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who is also a Mormon

"You look at that Democratic debate, I had to laugh at what I saw Barack Obama do. I mean in one week he went from saying he's going to sit down, you know, for tea, with our enemies, but then he's going to bomb our allies. I mean he's gone from Jane Fonda to Dr. Strangelove in one week."

"I'm a little late. I bumped by head and broke my hair." –at the 2007 Gridiron dinner

Rudy Giuliani

"Look, for someone who went to parochial schools all his life, this is a very frightening thing that’s happening right now." --after a lightning strike cut out his mic as he was answering a difficult question about abortion during a Republican debate (Watch video clip)

John Edwards

"What I was trying to do was represent the grown-up wing of the Democratic party." --joking with David Letterman about the debate fireworks between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (Watch video clip)

Joe Biden

"I mean think about it, Rudy Giuliani, there's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun and a verb and 9/11 and I mean, there's nothing else." (Watch video clip)

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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