John McCain
"A major announcement. Events are moving fast in my campaign, and yes, it's true that this morning I've dismissed my entire team of senior advisers. All of their positions will now be held by a man named 'Joe the Plumber.'" --at the Al Smith Dinner (See the video and transcript)"This campaign needed the common touch of a working man. After all, it began so long ago with the heralded arrival of a man known to Oprah Winfrey as 'The One.' Being a friend and colleague of Barack, I just called him 'That One.'" --at the Al Smith Dinner
"Even in this room full of proud Manhattan Democrats. I can't shake that feeling that some people here are pulling for me ... I'm delighted to see you here tonight, Hillary." --at the Al Smith Dinner
"Now's not the time to raise anybody's taxes except yours, and I guarantee when I'm president, I'll do it. My first executive order!" --to David Letterman (Read more about McCain's appearance on Letterman)
"My Social Security number is 8." --joking with Jay Leno
"In case you missed it, a few days ago Senator Clinton tried to spend $1 million on the Woodstock Concert Museum. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time." --referring to the years he spent as a P.O.W. (Watch video clip)
"Thanks for the question, you little jerk." --after being asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president. For good measure, McCain then threatened to draft him. (Watch video clip)
Barack Obama
"Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich." --on John McCain's attacks, Raleigh, North Carolina, Oct. 29, 2008"But I have to say tonight's venue isn't really what I'm used to. I was originally told we'd be able to move this outdoors to Yankee Stadium, and can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?" --at the Al Smith Dinner (See the video and transcript)
Poking fun at Sarah Palin: "I do love the Waldorf-Astoria, though. You know, I hear that from the doorstep you can see all the way to the Russian tea room." --at the Al Smith Dinner
"Now that's my phone buzzing there. I don't want you to think I'm getting fresh or anything." --posing for a picture with supporters in Indiana, when he apparently felt his phone start to vibrate in his pocket, against which one woman was closely pressed
"Three words: Vice President Oprah" --the #1 item from Barack Obama's Top Ten Campaign Promises, which he presented on the Letterman show
"I would have to...investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother." --on whether Bill Clinton was "our first black president"
"I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." --on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins (Watch video clip)
"Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'Mission Accomplished' a little too soon." (Watch the video)
Next > Funny Quotes from the Failed Presidential Candidates
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
