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Mitt Romney Jokes

Late-Night Jokes about Mitt Romney

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"Today Mitt Romney announced he's building a $12-million beach house in California. There's a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad. He's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.'" --Jon Stewart, on Mitt Romney running for president

"Mitt Romney looks like the photo that comes with the frame ... He looks like a tennis pro at a restricted country club.... He looks like the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down ... He looks like the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going ... He looks like an American President in a Canadian movie ... He looks like the guy on the 'Just For Men' bottle ... Mitt looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's Mitticisms)

"Mitt Romney was marching in a Martin Luther King Day parade, and made a valiant effort to reach across cultures and connect with African-Americans [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. This courageous attempt to communicate across cultures has many pundits asking the question 'Is Mitt Romney retarded?'" --Stephen Colbert

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary. His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don't have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor." --Jay Leno

"By gosh, Mitt Romney won the primary in Michigan. How about that? Which, as you know, now makes him a shoe-in to become president of Michigan. We're all very proud of Mitt. He's the only presidential candidate to come from the Channel 2 news team. Let's throw it over to Mitt and see what's going on in the weather." --David Letterman

"This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. ... Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, 'I love change. Change is good. Who doesn't like change? Whatever I just said, I'd like to change that.'" --Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney said the other night at the debates that he's the one of all the candidates who is the most optimistic about the future. Well, there's a shock -- a rich, white guy with $200 million in the bank. What's everyone worried about?" --Jay Leno

"The big story is that Mitt Romney went after Rudolph Giuliani. In fact, Romney criticized Giuliani so much, Rudy made him an honorary ex-wife." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was asked to explain why none of his five sons are in the military and he said that his sons demonstrate their patriotism by going on the road and campaigning for him. Now there's a tough choice: 'Iraq, or Iowa? Fallujah or Cedar Rapids? Honey, what do you think?'" --Jay Leno

"Can anyone else rescue this party? [clips of Mitt Romney saying he's pro-life and a lifelong hunter.] You had me at you're a pro-life hunter. Mitt Romney ... is a perfect GOP candidate. Uh, except for this [on screen: Romney saying he believes abortion should be legal]. All rright, well, you're pro-life ... now. As for the big time hunting, it's now been revealed that he's never purchased a hunting license and he's only been twice. ... So, a patrician flip-flopper from Massachusetts [on screen: John Kerry] ... good luck with that" --Jon Stewart

"As an aristocrat from Massachusetts -- we all know how that works out -- Mitt Romney has to go the extra mile to convince the base he's real. Watch closely as he fails [on screen: Romney saying that Massachusetts is as blue as a dark blue suit]. Mitt, if you're attempting to portray yourself as one of those rugged, salt-of-the-earth, hard-nosed conservative types, you might want to go with a metaphor from the world of sports, and not, say, from the world of haberdashery." --Jon Stewart

"Last week, presidential candidate Mitt Romney called himself a lifelong hunter. Turns out he's only hunted twice in his life. And, of course, both of those times were for Easter eggs. He said he hunts only small animals, like Jed Clampett did. Comparing himself to Jed Clampett? Is that a good idea? Anybody gonna want to vote for President Jed Clampett, especially after eight years of President Jethro?" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face, so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien

"Romney ... was saying he is a 'lifelong hunter.' Turns out he's hunted exactly twice ... in his whole life. Dick Cheney has hunted lawyers more times!" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno

"Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he's running for president. If he wins, he'd be the first Mormon president. Apparently, Romney is planning on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them." --Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney may run for president. Some wonder if a Mormon could be elected president. I think he'd make a fine president. He'd be standing up there with his 18 first ladies." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, who is a Mormon, is reeling from reports that his great-grandfather had fives wives and at least one of his great-great-grandfathers had twelve. That poor bastard had to register at Crate and Barrel 12 times. And that's back when all they sold were crates and barrels. ... The word 'polygamy', of course, comes from the Greek 'poly' meaning multiple and 'gamy' meaning reasons not to vote for Mitt Romney." --Stephen Colbert

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has his first presidential campaign commercial. In the ad, which is now running, Romney says, 'This is not the time for talk and dithering in DC.' Making him the first candidate to come out against 'dithering.'" --Jay Leno

"Problems for Mitt Romney. The main part of his campaign has been attacking illegal immigration. Well, it turns out his lawn is being taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, but Wal-Mart is now accusing him of taking their employees." --Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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