France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France

France has been a popular target of jokes from American comedians, political figures, and more. Enjoy this roundup of jokes and quotations about France.

Humorous Quotations and Jokes about France

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." —Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain

"They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton

"France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered." –Jay Leno

"France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French." –Conan O'Brien

“Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.” –Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the president of France. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Shut up, I'm trying to win this thing.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It came out in the news that Donald Trump was once a producer of a Broadway show. It was a revival of 'Les Misérables' called 'The French Are Losers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good 'cause if she ever becomes first lady she'll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages." –Jimmy Fallon

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

More French Jokes

Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
A: "The Axis of Weasels."

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?  

A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?  

A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?  

A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?  

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?  

A. The Army.

Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!