Andy Borowitz is one of the funniest comedians in America. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, and at The Borowitz Report (now part of the New Yorker) for the latest fake news headlines and his sarcastic take on the day’s news.
"Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'"
"Jenna Jameson endorses Romney: 'He's the only person who's assumed more positions than I have.'"
"To mark Michael Phelps' amazing Olympic career, I think the USA should legalize marijuana."
Michele Bachmann: "All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson."
"BREAKING: Mitt Romney will embark on a three-nation foreign trip to visit his money."
"If the Internet is any guide, a lot of people who are pro-gun are also anti-spelling."
"Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care were as easy to get as, say, a gun."
"Remember the politician who wouldn't release his tax returns and it turned out he had nothing to hide? Me neither."
"When Tea Partyers say, "I want my country back," ask if they can identify it on a map."
"Bain Capital is like the ex-girlfriend Mitt tries to crop out of his profile picture but everyone can still see her arm."
"The people who demanded to see Obama's birth certificate don't seem the slightest bit interested in seeing Romney's tax returns."
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads."
"As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution."
"On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations."
"If you buy your July 4 supplies at Walmart you can celebrate our independence from Britain and our dependence on China at the same time."
“Congress passed the law, the President signed it, and the Supreme Court upheld it. So it must be repealed.” – Republican logic
"Under Obamacare, to qualify for benefits you will be forced to smoke medical marijuana until you are gay." -- Republican talking point
Boehner: "This is a dark day for America. If we are forced to have healthcare, it's only a matter of time before we have education."
"Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun."
"A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog."
"Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads."
"The difference between Obama and Dick Cheney: when Obama shoots someone in the face it's Osama bin Laden."
"John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service."
"Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role."
"It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest."
"Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'"
"To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney."
"The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil."
"Romney Unveils New Slogan: 'Sorry, But You Have No Other Choice Now'"
"It took Romney millions of dollars and months of attacks to narrowly defeat a mental patient in a sweater vest."
“Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.”
“Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.”
“There are people running for President right now I would not trust to look after my plants.”
“Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. #gopdebate”
“Romney: ‘I love American democracy. I'm good friends with some of the owners of it.’”
“BREAKING: Stung By Defeat, Romney Considers Adultery #SCPrimary”
“The bad news for Mitt: people liking you more than Newt Gingrich is not the same as people liking you. #FLPrimary”
“BREAKING: Romney Vows to Undo Everything Obama Has Done: 'I Will Make Bin Laden Alive Again'”
“Ron Paul believes 100% what he says; Gingrich believes 0% what he says; Romney says 100% what he thinks you believe”
“Rick Santorum supports the rights of the unborn child until it's born and wants a gay marriage”
“I don't blame Santorum for not believing in evolution. It's really let him down.”
“Santorum made his very first sweater vest when he tore the arms off his straitjacket.”
“Newt Gingrich on leaving the GOP race: ‘Not unless it gets cancer.’”
“I worry that the focus on Gingrich's adultery will distract us from the fact that he's also a racist a**hole.”
“I'd think I'd rather have a President who gives people food stamps than one who runs up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany.”
“Say what you will about Newt Gingrich, it takes a lot of guts to say the things he does without his white sheet on.”
“Watching these Republicans debate on MLK day is like going to a Mel Gibson movie on Yom Kippur.”
“Rush Limbaugh uses a form of contraception known as being Rush Limbaugh.”
“Being called a slut by Rush Limbaugh is like being called a slut by an obese drug addict.”
“Santorum believes in the rights of the unborn child, but once she's born he thinks it's OK for Rush to call her a slut.”
"Due to remarks of his we consider unacceptable, we have terminated our relationship with Rush Limbaugh." – Satan
“Dear Limbaugh Advertisers: You are paying millions for a man to say things a drunk lacrosse player will say for free.”
“Other countries care for their mentally ill. We're not doing them any favors by giving them radio shows.”
“To tweet about the President's speech, use #SOTU. To tweet about Michele Bachmann's response, use #STFU.”
“Obama in danger of alienating Republicans by using facts. #SOTU”
“Republicans can't decide which thing Obama did was worse, giving everyone healthcare or saving the auto industry.”
“CNN is now interviewing Sarah Palin, whose historic lowering of the bar made this GOP race possible. #SuperTuesday”
"Sarah Palin hosting the Today Show would be a great last scene of a Planet of the Apes remake."
"Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part."
“Sarah Palin must be looking at Michele Bachmann and feeling the way the Jonas Bros felt about Justin Bieber.”
“Sarah Palin is complaining about Obama's vacation. But if he followed her example, he would have totally quit by now.”
“Remember, Michele Bachmann doesn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Also: the words science, math, apple, cat.”
“Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.”
"Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy."
“Amid all the controversy over whether or not Rick Perry is a racist, let's not lose sight of the fact that he's a moron.”
"Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron."
“If Occupy Wall Street is looking for empty space to camp in, Herman Cain's head is available. #OWS”
"It says something about the Republican field that the new #1 candidate used to run the nation's #8 pizza chain." —Andy Borowitz
“Santorum can relax — it's been almost 24 hours and no one in NY has tried to marry their horse.”
“Not sure why Chris Christie thinks gay marriage would do more harm to his state than "Jersey Shore" has. #NJ4M #equality”
“Iraq is like LOST: it's ending, but no one knows what the f*ck it was all about.”
“We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.”
“Anthony Weiner's career is over because he tweeted about doing sh*t Newt Gingrich has actually done. #USA”
"Bill Clinton Blasts Weiner: 'In my day, we'd show it to 'em in person.'"
“How to cut a turkey the Republican way: give 1% of your guests 99% of the meat.”
“The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.”
“If we went on vacation leaving as much work unfinished as Congress did our boss would fire our ass. PS: we are the boss.”
For more hilarious Andy Borowitz one-liners, follow him on Twitter, Facebook, and at The Borowitz Report.
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