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Funny Political One-Liners

Funny Tweets and One-Liner Jokes - Updated Frequently

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See Also: Latest Late-Night Jokes

"Sarah Palin's 'big' announcement that she will not run for President was overshadowed by the death of Steve Jobs. So even in death, he managed to enhance the quality of our lives one more time." —The Capitol Steps

"Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part." —Andy Borowitz

"It says something about the Republican field that the new #1 candidate used to run the nation's #8 pizza chain." —Andy Borowitz

"Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron." —Andy Borowitz

"The GOP presidential nominees are running so far to the right, it could end up the only moderate Republican candidate will be Barack Obama." -Will Durst

"Happy 15th anniversary to FoxNews. Wait, FoxNews is a 15-year-old? That explains so much!" -The Daily Show

"Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy." —Andy Borowitz

"I hope Rick Perry wins the Republican nomination because it will be the closest I get to not voting for Bush again." -Somecards

"If Bush was cancer, and Obama chemo, #RickPerry is what it looks like when the cancer returns" -Bill Maher

"Worth remembering on Labor Day Americans get fewer vacation days than anyone else in the world -cuz its better 2b miserable than socialists!" -Bill Maher

"Breaking News! Obama wants something, but Republicans say "No!" Read this once every day we're on vacation." -The Daily Show

"Just received this stunning message. 'After watching the GOP debate, it is clear we can no longer believe in evolution.' Sincerely, the world's monkeys." -The Capitol Steps

"I miss the days of Sarah Palin being the scariest Republican candidate in history." -Somecards

"I wish Sarah Palin was an Apple product so that she would be completely obsolete in six months." -Somecards

"Hey rest of the United States, gay marriage is like color tv - eventually everybody was gonna get it" -Bill Maher

"Earthquake Puts Crack in Washington Monument." Former DC Mayor Marion Barry rushes to monument..." -The Capitol Steps

"Sarah Palin E-mails Glenn Beck. We assume to discuss trade negotiations in Farmville." -The Daily Show

"Republican faces say 'We're a bunch of conscienceless pricks who'd shoot ourselves in the face if Obama said he liked our smile'" -Bill Maher, on Obama's address to a joint session of Congress

"Dick Cheney’s memoir is mean, self- aggrandizing and casts blame on everybody else. It’s rare when the biography perfectly reflects the man." -Will Durst

"I can't wait to see which Republican candidate will terrify me into voting for Obama again." -Somecards

Lewis Black on why he doesn't do Sarah Palin jokes: "I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person"

"'60billion wasted in Iraq and Afghanistan' is the headline today - I assume that's on top of the trillion wasted going in the first place" -Bill Maher

"DADT repeal fails in the senate. Congratulations, John McCain, you still wield enough power to make us hate you." -The Daily Show

"Schwarzenegger confesses to fathering baby with house staff member, but explains that child is destined to bring down SkyNet in 2031." -George Takei

"Schwarzeneggers broke up. Never understood their marriage. What was that: phase 1 in a genetic experiment to breed a bullet proof Kennedy?" -Will Durst

"Bill Clinton Blasts Weiner: 'In my day, we'd show it to 'em in person.'" —Andy Borowitz

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he's a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, 'Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved." —NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

"Weiner tried to get a porn star to lie about their relationship. She refused. Sad when the porn industry has more integrity than Congress." -Will Durst

"Santorum can relax — it's been almost 24 hours and no one in NY has tried to marry their horse." —Andy Borowitz, on New York's gay marriage law

"Last week, the State of Texas executed a man with an IQ of 62, in a switch from their usual practice of electing them governor." -Will Durst

"Palin says her book is #2 on the NYTimes bestseller list, but who can trust that lamestream media news source!?"-The Daily Show

"Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around." -Jimmy Fallon

"iPads now allowed on the House floor. Angry Birds vs. Fruit Ninja debate scheduled for next week." -The Daily Show

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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