The 25 Funniest Quotes of 2005

10) Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for — the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
President Bush: "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear..."
Stewart: "At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore

9) "We have to fix it or Rumsfeld may never retire." --President Bush, on Social Security, at the 2005 Gridiron Dinner

8) "Mrs. Bush ... has taken to calling me 'son'... this just shows you the lengths at which the Bushes would go to get another president in the family. And I wish I could get them to adopt Hillary." --Former President Bill Clinton, in an interview with David Letterman

7) "When he woke up he was surrounded by loved ones" -- his wife, his daughter and ... "my dad." --President Bush, on former President Clinton's recuperation from surgery

6) "I've always felt it's better to be sworn in that to be sworn at." --Sen. Patrick Leahy, after Vice President Dick Cheney swore him in to a new Senate term (last year Cheney told Leahy to "go f*ck yourself" during a heated exchange on the Senate floor)

5) "Go f*ck yourself, Mr. Cheney! Go f*ck yourself." --a heckler to Vice President Dick Cheney while he toured damage from Hurricane Katrina in Gulfport, Mississippi (Get the full story and watch the video clip)

4) "I'm especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove... Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he's against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn't so bad!" --Porn star/former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, on being invited to dine with President Bush

3) "I was told that they had people ready to tackle me if I tried to get close to [President Bush] ... Republicans can party almost as much as porn stars … I was getting propositions to have threesomes with wives or mistresses, I was offered money from oil tycoons … I am a fully converted Republican now." --Porn star Mary Carey, on attending a Republican fundraiser hosted by President Bush

2) "You've performed so poor, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'" –Bill Maher, on President Bush (Read Maher's complete rant or watch the video clip)

1) "George always says that he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He's usually in bed by now. I'm not kidding. I said to him the other day, George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later. I am married to the President of the United States and here is our typical evening. Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I am watching Desperate Housewives. With Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentleman, I am a desperate housewife." --First Lady Laura Bush at the 2005 White House Correspondents' Dinner (Read her complete stand-up comedy routine or watch the video clip)

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