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Johnny Carson Jokes

Classic Johnny Carson Quotes and Political Jokes

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"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."

"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"

"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is stil in."

"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."

"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan

"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."

"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"

"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush

On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."

"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"

"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians

"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle."
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