Hillary Clinton Jokes

"Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'" --David Letterman

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton blasted the Bush White House as one of the worst in history. I tell you, this is the hardest Hillary's been on any president she wasn't married to." --Jay Leno

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." --Conan O'Brien

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary." --David Letterman

"Sen. Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno

"In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he ever sees her again he'll certainly ask." --Jay Leno

"While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator." --Jay Leno

"While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, "No way!" How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow." --Jay Leno

"The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that's when the party ends" --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead." --Jay Leno

"There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill's having sex with a women over there too." --Jay Leno

"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno

"In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is repositioning herself constantly. She is now campaigning against sex and violence in TV shows and video games. She said studies show that children who ... are exposed to sexual images are more likely to blow her husband" --Bill Maher

"There's already speculation that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee for the Democrats in 2008. Well, you have to admire the dedication of the Democratic party. They just lost an election, and they're already hard at work planning to lose the next one." --Bill Maher

"In an interview over the weekend on Japanese television, Bill Clinton said Hillary would make a great president -- lousy intern but great, great president." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton visited Iraq to boost moral. Apparently it worked because former President Clinton has never been in a better mood." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them." --Tina Fey

"President Bush told the reporter that he saw his re-election as the approval by the American people to continue the war in Iraq. Kind of like how Clinton thought his re-election meant the American people wanted him to continue cheating on Hillary." --Jay Leno

"The Clintons are getting ready for Christmas up in Chappaqua. It's the same thing every year. Hillary comes down the stairs on Christmas morning to find a surprise under Bill." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at Barnes & Noble Hillary Clinton had a book signing and a lot of people showed up. 1,200 people showed up and statistically speaking that means 1 in 10 of those people slept with her husband." --David Letterman

"Hillary is everywhere. Last night she's on Barbara Walters, this morning she's on Katie Couric, and tomorrow she goes on Diane Sawyer. This is the first time Hillary has been on more women than Bill." --Jay Leno

"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'" --Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said that when she first set eyes on Bill Clinton back in college he had a beard and he reminded her of a Viking, which is perfect because she reminded him of Iceland. ... Like a Viking, he is still out conquering and exploring virgin territory." --Jay Leno

"According to USA Today, former President Clinton has already read his wife's new book five times. In fact, the former president has now spent more time in bed with the book than he has with Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"The A&E network has announced they are making a two hour movie about Hillary Clinton's days in the White House. And of course they haven't come up with a title yet. These are some of the titles they are considering: 'She's too fat, I'm too furious,' 'Dude, Where's my husband?' 'Ken Starr Wars,' 'Bend it like Monica,' 'Crouching Monica, Hidden Cigar,' 'My husband spent Hanukkah in Monica.'" --Jay Leno