Hillary Clinton Jokes

"The publisher of Hillary Clinton's memoirs, in which she received the largest book advance in history, are worried she is way behind. It's suppose to go to printers next month, she hasn't sent them a manuscript or even given them the title yet. But in her defense, fiction is a lot harder to write. ... To give you an idea of how far behind she is, she's only up to Clinton's 25th affair." --Jay Leno

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, fiction is a lot harder to write." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton had an embarrassing slip of the tongue the other day. After saying she had no intention of running for President, she said 'I'm having a great time being the Pres, I mean Senator from New York.' Later when she was asked about President Bill Clinton, she said, 'You know I've been married to that son of, I mean that wonderful man.'" --Jay Leno

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it." --Jay Leno

"There was talk this week that Hillary Clinton was going to run for vice president. Now, I didn't know that you could run for vice president. But people were saying, 'Oh no, if it can be done, she's going to do it.' So now, Hillary is very busy denying that she wants to be vice president. I'm just thinking, doesn't it feel good to have a Clinton denying things again." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." --David Letterman

"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." --Jay Leno

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." --Jay Leno

"It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album." �Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent -- over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." ==Craig Kilborn

"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!" ==Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was (at Bush's speech).. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" ==Jay Leno

"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'" ==Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. 'Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.'" ==Jay Leno

"President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?" ==Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." ==David Letterman

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." ==Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman