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TSA Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About TSA Pat-Downs, Body Scans and Airport Security

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TSA Jokes
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Latest Late-Night Jokes

"According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down." –Conan O'Brien

"Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" -Jay Leno

"TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." –David Letterman

"The TSA, it's our business to touch yours." –from a "Saturday Night Live" skit spoofing the TSA and their overly aggressive "junk-touching" pat-down procedures with an ad portraying TSA agents as sex workers

"There was supposed to be a protest, but nobody opted out of the full-body scans, maybe because of the signs TSA posted: 'If you are embarrassed by your penis size, you may opt out of being scanned.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In spite of all the hubbub, security at the airports has been surprisingly smooth. Oddly enough, 'surprisingly smooth' is what the TSA agent said after my last patdown. Ever seen a Ken doll?" –Jimmy Fallon

"I was over at Burbank airport and you could tell it's Thanksgiving. I saw a TSA agent probing a guy with a turkey baster." –Jay Leno

"The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer." –Jay Leno

"This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house." -Seth Meyers

"'Has anyone handled your bags?' 'Yes. You. Right now.'" -Seth Meyers

"You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married." -Seth Meyers

"If you believe the news, everyone is horrified by the security measures. Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said on CBS that she would not submit to a pat-down, to which Bill Clinton said, 'Tell me about it.'" –Jay Leno

"The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

"In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet." –Conan O'Brien

"The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor." –Jay Leno

"The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it." –Jay Leno

"Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee." –Jay Leno

"You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It's just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she’s getting stroked in the next line." –Stephen Colbert

"One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?" –Jay Leno

"TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Ya, it's been called the world's least sexy threesome." –Conan O'Brien

"TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers' thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down." –Jay Leno

"Thank you, TSA pat down for making air transport feel like that one time at summer camp. 'We’re still cool, aren’t we, Gary?'" –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent"

10. "Do I need a degree in groping?"
9. "Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?"
8. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"
7. "Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"
6. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?
5. "Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"
4. "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"
3. "Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"
2. "May I frisk myself?"
1. "What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways To Make Airport Security More Pleasant"

10. For $10, screeners will give you luxurious shiatsu massage
9. To your left, x-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet
8. Passenger's naked body scan ends up on YouTube — hey, that joke was in the monologue
7. Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it
6. You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute
5. Guess the TSA agent's weight and you can bring any liquid on board
4. Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee
3. Pipe in soft rock classics from the '70s, '80s, '90s, and today
2. Concludes with a good luck pat on the butt
1. Vibrating wands

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~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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