John Edwards Jokes

"John Edwards has finally admitted that he is the father of his mistress's baby. He says he is so ashamed, he can hardly look at himself in the mirror. On the bright side, it frees up an extra four hours of the day for him." --Jimmy Fallon

"How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno

"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno

"According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama are trying to get Angelina Jolie's endorsement for the campaign, and John Edwards is just trying to get her number." --Craig Ferguson

"John Edwards, presidential aspirant and author of the famed claim that there are two Americas, was apparently only faithful to his wife in one of them. Apparently he didn't realize that the National Enquirer had reporters stationed in the other America, where he was, in fact, banging his videographer." --Jon Stewart

"I guess Edwards apparently met this woman at a New York City bar in 2006, and he is a pretty smooth operator. ... You hear his opening line to the woman? 'So, uh, which America are you from?'" --Jay Leno

"You know what ... it turns out she was his campaign videographer. Yeah, there you go. Think there'll be a sex tape coming soon, huh?" --Jay Leno

"Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno

"Well, the other big political story, if you believe there are two Americas, then John Edwards is in trouble in both of them. Do you know about this? The mainstream media [is] now starting to report a story that was first broken by the National Enquirer that John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend's hotel room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:00 in the morning. The woman had a room at the Beverly Hilton. So, at least he is not another politician screwing the poor." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's the latest on John Edwards' vice presidential chances. Too much vice, not enough presidential. Have you heard this story? The mainstream media is now starting to report on a story that was first broken by the National Enquirer this week. The National Enquirer claimed they caught John Edwards visiting his mistress at 2:40 in the morning at the Beverly Hills hotel Monday night. And when a team of reporters confronted him, he ran and hid in the men's room! And you know who was in there? Senator Larry Craig. What are the odds?" -Jay Leno

"How about the presidential campaign. Barack Obama and John Edwards got together over the weekend. Edwards may endorse Barack Obama. Although his hair is leaning towards Hillary." --David Letterman

"The other guy who dropped out this week I have the highest regards for -- John Edwards. That's his platform that they are running on. He worked his ass off. He never got enough oxygen with those two show ponies in the race. It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney shows up." --Bill Maher

"John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut." --David Letterman

"Don't worry about Edwards. He's going back to hosting 'Wheel of Fortune,' so he'll be fine." --David Letterman

"Giuliani said he's going to stay active. He said he will endorse John McCain; whereas Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusions Volumizing shampoo." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not such good news for John Edwards. He came in third. Third. Proving, yes, there are two Americas and neither one is voting for him." --Jay Leno

"Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate. It will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that one? We're looking at a $1,500 haircut." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards apologized for his $400 haircut. He said it was a mistake ... especially in the back, where they didn't feather enough." --Jay Leno

"Did anyone see it? It was really weird. John Edwards, after his rebuttal, he demanded two minutes for conditioner." --David Letterman, on the Democratic presidential debate

"While you folks were applauding, John Edwards raised another $3 million for haircuts. ... John Edwards ... is trying to show folks he is a hawk. Today he declared a war on split ends." --David Letterman

"Here's the worst part: Earlier tonight, Edwards hosted a dinner to raise money for a facial." --David Letterman

"Campaign records now reveal that John Edwards is using his campaign money to get $400 haircuts in Beverly Hills. ... He said he only went to the expensive stylist because they are friends. Friends? What kind of friend charges $400 for a haircut?" --Jay Leno

"There was a big scare at the John Edwards campaign headquarters. It was evacuated after a staff member opened an envelope containing white powder. Turns out it was just some of John Edwards' age-defying make-up base." --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Iowa, Barack Obama described John Edwards as cute and good looking. How does this make Hillary feel? ... Apparently, Edwards spends more time on his hair." --Jay Leno

"Kind of an embarrassing situation for Al Gore with his whole global warming thing. Turns out his Tennessee home has been using 20 times the energy as the average household. To be fair, it is still not as much energy as John Edwards' blow-dryer is using." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in." --Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman