John Edwards Jokes

"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards ... is now being criticized by conservatives for living in a mansion while talking about poverty. As opposed to Republicans, who live in a mansion and talk about a tax cut." --Jay Leno

"On the campaign trail today, John Edwards continued to talk about there being two Americas. Unfortunately, neither voted for him." —Conan O'Brien

"Some polls show John Edwards with higher approval than Dick Cheney. That's pretty amazing, isn't it? For the first time ever, the lawyer is ahead of the guy in the ambulance!" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards says that he is interested in hearing problems that gays have. You would too if you had eight hairdressers." —Craig Kilborn

"I saw a picture of John Edwards today, it was on the side of a carton of milk. What's happened to this guy? Has anybody seen him? He's dropped out of sight, it's like he's vice president already." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry and John Edwards said they plan on spending over $3 million on their campaign this month. And that's just on hairspray! Have you seen their new campaign plane? ... It's the Hair Force One!" —Jay Leno

"Have you been watching Kerry and Edwards on the campaign trial? These guys have done more hugging in four days than Bill and Hillary have done in 26 years." —Jay Leno

"Have you seen John Kerry and John Edwards? They're touching, they're hugging, they're groping. Even the 'Queer Eye' guys are going, 'Get a room!'" —Craig Kilborn

"This Edwards guy, he's going to be trouble for the Bush-Cheney ticket. He's charismatic, and that's going to hurt Cheney. And he can speak, and that's going to hurt Bush." —Jay Leno

"In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in." —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry said I can't tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team, especially after John McCain turned me down." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards earned a fortune from medical malpractice. So he and Dick Cheney have something in common. They both know what it's like to chase an ambulance." —Jay Leno

"The attacks have already started. John Edwards is too inexperienced to be president, he's too flashy, he's not up to the job. And those are just the things John Kerry said in the primary." —Jay Leno

"As soon as Edwards was announced the Republicans put out a new attack ad calling him unaccomplished. He was born poor and became a multi-millionaire. To Republicans isn't that the definition of accomplished?" —Jay Leno

"Every political journalist is picking John Edwards as the number one pick to be John Kerry's vice president. Can you imagine the debate between Dick Cheney and a trial lawyer like Edwards? One guy has spent his career in an ambulance, the other guys has spend his career chasing it." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards based his campaign on the fact that there are two Americas, one for the wealthy and one for everyone else. And after his speech, he thanked everyone else and went back to the America for the wealthy." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards is a seasoned trial lawyer. You think a lawyer would make a good president? You know I look at it this way, if we're going to consistently have liars in the White House, why not get a professional?" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary, he will have achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad news for Edwards is that the two men are John Kerry and George Bush." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards is an interesting character; doesn't he look like the guy from the TV commercials that finally asks his doctor if Viagra is good for him?" —Jay Leno

"The big surprise — John Edwards came in second. He was very eloquent; he said we have two America's — one for the rich and one for the poor. Today President Bush said, 'Why don't you become president of the crappy one.'" —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate John Edwards keeps saying that there are two Americas. Unfortunately, they're both voting for John Kerry." —Jay Leno

"Insiders say Edwards is making adjustments in his presidential aspirations, having lost primaries in two Southern states. Edwards now spends hours a day watching video tape of Dan Quayle and Al Gore, practicing his golf swing and constantly complimenting Senator Kerry on his choice of neckties." —Dennis Miller

"John Edwards on the show tonight. He's also running for president. I guess this is a tradition in his family; I'm going to ask him about this. On their first anniversary, he and his wife went to Wendy's because they were in the middle of a move. And now they do it every year. Forget his two America's speech. This should be his platform. Any guy that can convince his wife to go to Wendy's every year for his anniversary; think what he could convince other world leaders to do." —Jay Leno

"We're learning more and more about Senator John Edwards. He's multi-million dollar personal injury attorney. In fact, that's how he's going to solve the deficit problem. He's going to go up the steps of the Capital, fake an injury, and collect billions." —Jay Leno

"Democratic front-runner Howard Dean being called a hero this week. It seems he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa and one of his campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since he was a doctor he ran over and treated the guy until the ambulance came. He is not the only candidate that helped. Since he was a trial lawyer, John Edwards chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno

"North Carolina Senator John Edwards said he will announce for president on September 16th. This is what I love about this election, if no one listens to you the first 40 times you announced it, just announce it again." —Jay Leno

"Well folks it's started, the presidential race. Democratic Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who is also a personal injury attorney, has announced he is running for president in 2004. Good slogan too, 'Elect me and there will be one less lawyer.'" —Jay Leno