John McCain Jokes

"John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, 'He'll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it better than the old slogan, which was 'He'll lead you into assisted living.'" --David Letterman

"There was a big story in The New York Times today about Senator John McCain, who's running for president. It questioned his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. The story 'hinted' that McCain may have had an extramarital affair with her, but the weird thing is she looks almost exactly like John McCain's wife, Cindy. So he might have just got confused and grabbed the wrong woman. These two look more alike than the Olson twins." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times printed a story that said ... in John McCain's last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to c---block the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. ... John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" --Bill Maher

"I think this is a cynical attempt by the McCain campaign to make their candidate appear youthful and vigorous. I think they made the whole thing up and filtered it through the New York Times. You know, just like Bush did with the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. ... Because there's no real evidence to this story. Yes, a lot of people saw McCain going around with a cheap blond in a slinky dress, but they figured it was Rudy Giuliani." --Bill Maher

"They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, 'Actions speak louder than words,' Then Obama said, 'Words can speak as loud as actions.' And then McCain said, 'Speak louder!'" --Bill Maher

"How about this John McCain, huh? Whoa, my gosh - doesn't he look like the old guy at the barber shop? He looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter, John McCain. He kind of looks like the neighbor who says, 'Oh, that dead tree is on your property,' one of those guys. He's the guy who is always early for the early bird special, that's what he looks like. He looks like a mall walker, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb." --David Letterman

"Senator John McCain has unveiled a new campaign slogan -- 'Ready To Lead America Into The 21st Century.' Yeah, yeah. And this is a lot better than his old slogan, 'I've Been Around Since The 19th Century.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter. ... He looks like the guy who asks the driver if he's on the right bus. ... Who looks like the guy who's always saying, 'What was that? Nothing? That's what I thought.'" --David Letterman

"This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can't criticize Hillary. Ooh, that's sexism. You can't criticize Barack. Ooh, that's racism. And you can't go after McCain, because that's elder abuse." --Jay Leno

"After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain's lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky -- six months ago, that was his campaign war chest." --Jay Leno "John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

"Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn't say what business, but I'm guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan's Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. ... You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country For Old Men,' which I think was also John McCain's campaign slogan." --Jay Leno

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to John McCain. He was a big winner up in New Hampshire. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain's headquarters." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has a new campaign slogan, 'An Army Of One.' ... I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment ... because his communications director quit." --Jay Leno