A roundup of jokes by the late-night comedians about the battle between Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien:
Conan O'Brien
"In the press this week NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot, they now want me to run the network.""Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a life-long dream for me. And I just want to say to the kids out their watching, you can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too."
"There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me that want to keep me off the air for three years. My response to that is if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC." -Conan O'Brien
"According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters — 83 percent — want me to stay at 11:35. And here's the interesting part. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, 'How can I get NBC to screw me over?'"
"I'm getting a lot of support out there. Especially from an online group calling themselves 'Team Conan,' which is nice. Yeah. No, it's very exciting. It's the first time in my life that I've been on a team when I wasn't picked last.'"
"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties."
"Welcome to NBC, where our new slogan is 'no longer just screwing up prime time.'"
"I've been giving this whole situation a lot of thought. You know, a true story, when I was a little boy, I remember watching the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months.' I knew that was the perfect amount of time."
"NBC says, they are planning to have the late night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start. That's what they said, yeah. Yeah. And trust me when NBC says something, you can take that to the bank. They're good people."
"I'm Conan O'Brien, the new host of 'Last Call with Carson Daly.'"
"Everybody now wants to know what my plans are. Everyone's asking me. All I can say is, I plan to continue putting on a great show night after night while stealing as many office supplies as humanly possible. That is my plan. I'm going to rob this place blind. I've got ten cartridges of toner in my pants right now."
"I just wanted to go over some of the rumors that have been flying around. Just check these out: "The 'Jay Leno Show' is going to be canceled is one. Jay is moving to 11:30 and I'm moving to midnight. Both of our shows will be on at 11:30, running simultaneously in split-screen. The 'Tonight Show' will be an iPhone app, and the 'Jay Leno Show' will become an Xbox game. Jay and I are quitting both our shows and co-starring in a new buddy cop drama called 'Coco and the Chin.' Jay and I will be joining the cast of 'Jersey Shore' as a new character called 'The Awkward Situation.' I'm pregnant with Jay's baby. Jay is pregnant with my baby. We're both pregnant with Tiger Woods' babies. NBC is gonna throw me and Jay in a pit with sharpened sticks. The one who crawls out alive gets to leave NBC."
"There are a lot of rumors about what I'm going to do. I've got a lot of options. I thought I'd share some of them with you right now: I could host the 'Tonight Show' at 12:05. I could star in a Lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network. Convince NBC to let me keep this time shot if I can gain ten pounds of chin. Andy and I will become a team of wacky morning deejays called Big Red and the Booger. Pretend to put my son in a giant foil balloon then sit back and watch the offers come pouring in. Perform this show live every night from Zanies Comedy Club. 11:30, half price drinks if you tell them Coco sent you. Bring sanity back to NBC by hiring Gary Busey as head of programming. Leave television all together and work in a classier business with better people, like hardcore porn."
"I've been advised that until this whole thing is sorted out, NBC lawyers have asked me to refer to this program as The Sometime At Night Show with Some White Guy."
Jay Leno
"Conan O'Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said, NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how'd he get that deal? We only got four.""I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air."
"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser."
"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different."
"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad."
"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster."
"Kev, if we did get canceled, it will give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox is beautiful this time of year."
"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing."
"To be fair, NBC is working on a solution, they say, in which all parties will be screwed equally." Next > More Jokes by Letterman, Kimmel, Ferguson, and Meyers
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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