Jimmy Kimmel"Hello, my name is Jay Leno. You might have known, I'm taking over all of the shows in late night. Even this one. Great to be here on ABC. You know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan. That's right. Anyway, Conan O'Brien today announced he's leaving NBC. He released a statement that said, I won't participate in the destruction of the 'Tonight Show.' Fortunately, though, I will." (Watch video of Kimmel performing his monologue as Jay Leno)
David Letterman"Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. ... Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him."
"The whole idea is NBC wanted to get a thing going, whereby they wouldn't make the same mistake they made when Johnny Carson quit and retired, that there were a lot of bad feelings. They wanted to avoid causing more bad feelings. Well, mission accomplished. There you go. I miss Johnny Carson. By God when Johnny quit, he quit.'"
"A couple of minutes ago, Conan O'Brien, who was the host of 'The Tonight Show' over there at NBC, announced that he would not follow Jay Leno at 12:05. If Conan does leave 'The Tonight Show,' then he has to appoint a replacement. Did you know that?"
"And now, according to The New York Times, Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC."
Letterman's Top Ten Signs There's Trouble At NBC
10. Lineup has more holes than the Green Bay Packers defense
9. Winner on "Deal Or No Deal" gets to run the network for a week
8. NBC peacock crashed his car and beaten with a golf club
7. NBC Christmas party is a week from Thursday
6. Tina Fey is having a hard time making fictional network executives dumber than the real ones
5. Replacing "Biggest Loser" with a show about people whose weight fluctuates but is still within an acceptable range
4. NBC president seen wandering halls shouting, "Is 'Night Court' still on?"
3. Promise they'll have this figured out by the 2014 Olympics
2. Just gave 10 p.m. show to Snooki
1. It's so bad, they've even considered me
David Letterman"s Top Ten Messages on Jeff Zucker's Voicemail
10. What the hell are you doing?
9. This is Jay Leno. Conan seemed upset in the elevator. Everything ok?
8. No seriously, what the hell are you doing?
7. It's Burt Reynolds. Just so you know, I'm available.
6. Letterman here. Want to borrow one of my hairpieces?
5. This is Mark McGwire. If you're looking to bulk up, I know a guy.
4. It's Jay again. All in all, I think it's going pretty well.
3. I'm from Comcast. Regarding the sale... Uh, I think we're ok.
2. Larry King here. Keep up the good work.
1. What the zuck?
Seth Meyers"It was reported Thursday that in the wake of poor ratings for the 'Jay Leno Show,' NBC will move his show back to the 11:35 time slot and start Conan O'Brien's 'Tonight Show' at midnight. Thought it's a little weird to start the 'Tonight Show' at a time when it's no longer tonight."
Craig Ferguson"Of course, the really big news is Conan O'Brien said in a written statement that he will not do 'The Tonight Show' after Jay Leno. I think. But then he also said he wants to make 'The Tonight Show' the best it can be, which means he didn't quit. I think. I don't know. I have no idea. I'm sure the lawyers will figure that out. Actually, I can think of a much better solution than the lawyers. Here's what I think we should do here — government bailout money. It worked with Wall Street. Why doesn't Congress give NBC money to make more late night shows? That would solve everything."
"I see NBC making all of these mistakes but I do like to think we still make the crappiest late night TV show. When all is said and done, we'll be remembered as the one that sucked the most. But what did we do? We sucked at the same damn time. Every night."
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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