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Olympic Jokes

Late-Night Jokes about the 2008 Beijing Olympics

By

See also:
Olympic Cartoons
Olympic Humor Roundup


"The Beijing Olympics officially ended yesterday with the closing ceremonies. Yeah, afterwards, all the tourists went home to their countries, and all the Chinese women gymnasts went back to kindergarten." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that Michael Phelps — wasn't that an amazing display? Eight Olympic gold medals, eight Olympic gold medals, but to me, that’s not the most impressive thing. The most impressive thing is the guy is actually swimming home from China." --David Letterman

"Did you all enjoy the Olympic Games? I thought it was great. It was very exciting. Though there was one very emotional moment at the opening ceremonies, where they had children representing each of the 56 ethnic groups in China march into the stadium. Then the farmers and the sneaker factories said, 'Okay, break’s over, back on the bus. Come on!'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave a rousing inspirational speech yesterday to the U.S. Olympics Fencing team. Bush told the athletes, "Now go out there and build that fence." --Conan O'Brien

"The big news from China is that the adorable little girl who sang the National Anthem for the opening ceremony was lip-syncing. This is outrageous. If you can't trust an oppressive, totalitarian dictatorship..." --Craig Ferguson

"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The official motto for the Olympics is 'One World, One Dream.' Restrictions Apply. Tibet Not Included." --Jay Leno

"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman

"Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." --Jay Leno

"Now you think I'm exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck." --David Letterman

"The government of China announced that it will ban restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. Which gives new meaning to the phrase, 'Hello Kitty.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman

"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien

"China is getting ready for the Olympics. The skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. The made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners - it's not torture, it's Pilates." --Craig Ferguson

"Today in Beijing, a small group of demonstrators gathered to protest China's repressive government. Funeral services will be held on Friday." --Conan O'Brien

"Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. There is a lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson's tour bus." --David Letterman

"The Olympics start the Friday after next -- pollution permitting. For some reason, they're having them in Beijing, which means the Chinese government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things about their country . It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm room." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The United States Olympic bicycle team got off the plane yesterday wearing air filter masks on their faces. They're the same masks that kids have to wear when they play with Chinese-made toys." --David Letterman

"An Ethiopian runner has dropped out of the Olympics because he thinks the pollution could damage his health. He said the air has made him so sick, he can barely not eat." --Conan O'Brien

"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien

"China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don't want to give away too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.'" --David Letterman

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush gave the U.S. Olympic team a rousing send-off to the Olympics. Again, I don't think President Bush is that up on geography. Like he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside-down" --Jay Leno

"And China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from taking part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the government, you'll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, "You can do that?" --Jay Leno

"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash." --Jay Leno

"The government of China has banned restaurants from serving dog meat during the Olympics. This is particularly bad news for the popular Chinese fast food chain, 'McDachsunds.' --Conan O'Brien

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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