"At 12:05 AM, that's not 'The Tonight Show,' that's 'The Tomorrow Show'! –David Letterman
"NBC said the show performed exactly as they expected it would and then canceled us. Don't confuse this when we were on at late night and performed better than expected and they canceled us. That was totally different." –Jay Leno
"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties." –Conan O'Brien7.
"My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it!" –Jay Leno6.
"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing." –Jay Leno5.
"There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me that want to keep me off the air for three years. My response to that is if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC." -Conan O'Brien4.
"Conan O'Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how'd he get that deal? We only got four." –Jay Leno3.
"Hello, my name is Jay Leno. You might have known, I'm taking over all of the shows in late night. Even this one. Great to be here on ABC. You know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan. That's right. Anyway, Conan O'Brien today announced he's leaving NBC. He released a statement that said, I won't participate in the destruction of the 'Tonight Show.' Fortunately, though, I will." –Jimmy Kimmel, performing his show as Jay Leno2.
"Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him." –David Letterman1.
"Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a life-long dream for me. And I just want to say to the kids out their watching, you can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'BrienBonus Jokes:
From Conan's ad putting 'The Tonight Show' up for sale on Craigslist:
"This is a chance of a lifetime to own your very own late night talk show--guaranteed to last for up to seven months!! Really must see to appreciate. Information for potential buyers:
- Measures 100’ x 100’ x 32’ – plenty of room for a futon!
- Designed for 11:35 but can be easily moved
- Band can be sold separately
- Buyer must honor Barry Manilow booking next Thursday
MAKE ME YOUR BEST OFFER!!!!! (Also willing to trade for Coldplay tickets.)"
"I just wanted to go over some of the rumors that have been flying around. Just check these out: "The 'Jay Leno Show' is going to be canceled is one. Jay is moving to 11:30 and I'm moving to midnight. Both of our shows will be on at 11:30, running simultaneously in split-screen. The 'Tonight Show' will be an iPhone app, and the 'Jay Leno Show' will become an Xbox game. Jay and I are quitting both our shows and co-starring in a new buddy cop drama called 'Coco and the Chin.' Jay and I will be joining the cast of 'Jersey Shore' as a new character called 'The Awkward Situation.' I'm pregnant with Jay's baby. Jay is pregnant with my baby. We're both pregnant with Tiger Woods' babies. NBC is gonna throw me and Jay in a pit with sharpened sticks. The one who crawls out alive gets to leave NBC." –Conan O'Brien
Read more jokes about the Conan-Leno battle...~Compiled by Daniel KurtzmanFollow Political Humor on Twitter
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