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Nancy Pelosi Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Nancy Pelosi

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"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows." –Jay Leno

"Ohio Republican John Boehner will take over for Nancy Pelosi. Those are some big eyes to fill." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House, says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really who better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led their party to become a minority in the first place." –Jay Leno

"For the first time in history, there are 100,000 home foreclosures in the month of September. 100,000 people were told this fall they were going to lose their house. 100,001 if you count Nancy Pelosi." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she's not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, 'Hey, that's my slogan.'" –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi's Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier." –Jay Leno

"Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support." –Jay Leno, on the passage of health care reform

"Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com." –Jay Leno

"Before the health care vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow." –Jay Leno

"Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided." --Jay Leno

"Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine. These negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the CIA misleads us all the time...You know, unlike Congress." --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she's going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars." --Jay Leno

"According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular girls name in America right now is Emma. The least popular girls name: Pelosi." --Jay Leno

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi now says the CIA and President Bush misled her on waterboarding. Yeah. Apparently she was misled by the Bush Administration. So she spends eight years telling everybody how dumb President Bush is, and the minute they're in trouble, 'He fooled me! I had no idea! He tricked me!'" --Jay Leno

"Torture. That is the story that just will not go away in this country, and now with Nancy Pelosi in the middle of it. Yes, Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, 'We didn't torture.' Then it was, 'Okay we tortured, but it worked.' And now it's, 'Nancy Pelosi said we could! She said it was okay!'" --Bill Maher

"They say Nancy Pelosi was aware, as far back as 2003 that we tortured and didn't raise any questions about it. Which raises the big question: what did Nancy Pelosi know, and when was she going to tell her face?" --Bill Maher

"This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her." --Jimmy Fallon

"It was so cold in Washington, it felt like Hillary's inauguration. It was so cold, Al Gore led a prayer for global warming. In fact, by the end of the inauguration, everybody's face looked like Nancy Pelosi." --Jay Leno

"Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi went to Syria, and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours." --Jay Leno

"Many Republicans are upset with ... Speaker Nancy Pelosi's recent demand for regular use of the Air Force's C-32 -- the same type of aircraft the Vice President and the first lady use. They're also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington Cleopatra-style." --Amy Poehler

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message." --Jay Leno

"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover." --Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi said today we've waited 200 years for this. 200 years? How many face lifts has this woman had?" --Jay Leno

"The new Speaker of the House is Nancy Pelosi. She had lunch today with President Bush, but the lunch honestly did not go well. She would not pass him anything he asked for." –David Letterman

"Nancy Pelosi, the likely Speaker of the House, had lunch at the White House Thursday with President Bush. Though, just to rub things in, she left early to have an abortion." --Amy Poehler

"I got to give the president credit. He is trying. He had lunch two days ago with Nancy Pelosi, the new Speaker of the House. And he was trying to find common ground and couldn't come up with anything. Finally he said, 'Your frozen smile looks just like my wife's.'" --Bill Maher

"Did you see last week President Bush and Nancy Pelosi meeting with reporters after their lunch? Boy, you thought Bill and Hillary were good about putting on phony smiles." --Jay Leno

"As a result of this week's election, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is now the most powerful woman in the country. After hearing this, Oprah Winfrey said, 'Yeah right.'" --Conan O'Brien

A Nancy Pelosi impersonator on Saturday Night Live, on the Democrats' 2006 victory: "You sent this White House a message: That stay the course in Iraq is not a plan; that our healthcare system should serve ordinary citizens, not pharmaceutical compaines; that so-called rough sex can be a necessary and fulfilling adjunct to a healthy sex life, particularly when it involves fantasy role-play scenarios, such as kidnapping or forced interrogation -- provided, of course, that both participants are willing and disease- free, and have agreed on what we call a safe word." (Watch video clip)
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