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Pope Jokes

Funny Late-Night Jokes About Pope Francis

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See Also:
Pope Benedict Jokes
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Best Late-Night Jokes

"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien

"The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic." –Craig Ferguson

"As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs." –Jay Leno

"The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno

"Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: 'Breaking Bad' spoiler alert!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he's kind of the bouncer for Heaven." –Jimmy Fallon

"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel Alliance." –Stephen Colbert

"The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course." –David Letterman

"The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers." –David Letterman

"You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don't have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads." –Jay Leno

"We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce." –David Letterman

"Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night." –David Letterman

"The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble." –David Letterman

"The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote." –David Letterman

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do." –Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.” –Conan O’Brien

“The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you're saying to yourself, 'Boy, that name sounds familiar,' you're right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.” –David Letterman

“Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope." –David Letterman

“The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. ‘Francis’ was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of ‘Pope Boo Boo.’” –Craig Ferguson

“What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.” –Craig Ferguson

“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” –Craig Ferguson

"The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate." –Conan O'Brien

"Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.'" –Conan O'Brien

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