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"Last week at Germany's University of Regensburg, which as you know is a safety school, Pope Benedict gave an address in which he discussed Islam's concept of jihad by quoting 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II. You know if you're going to make a wholesale generalization, say it in German. It gives it that extra 'oomph.'" --Jon Stewart
"The Pope said those weren't his words. He said he was just quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor. And today Mel Gibson said, 'Yeah, me too.'" --Jay Leno
"The Vatican has increased protection around the Pope. How ironic is that -- A Catholic using protection?" --Jay Leno
"In the West Bank a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism fire bombed four churches, telling the Associated Press the attacks were carried out to protest the Pope's remarks linking Islam and violence. The irony of the statement, and this is often the case we find, was lost on them." --Jon Stewart
"Muslims all over the world are rioting because they are upset with the Pope. Again, I don't think President Bush understands these issues. Like today, he said, 'These Muslims, why can't they ask themselves what would Jesus do?'" --Jay Leno
"It's hard to say you're sorry, especially when you're infallible. But by last weekend, Benedict offered these words of apology. He's sorry that people felt bad. That's known in Vatican terminology as a 'me-a-kinda.' It's a time-honored tradition in the Catholic Church dating back to the Inquisition when Pope Innocent IV said, 'We deeply regret the fact that so many non-believers happen to be flammable'." --Jon Stewart
"Muslims are very upset with the Pope over some anti-Muslim statements that he made. You can tell the Vatican is getting nervous like today they issued a statement saying the views of the Pope do not necessarily reflect the views of the Catholic Church and its subsidaries."
"The Pope has gotten so many threats now, they are considering transferring him to another parish."
"I think the Pope might be getting worried. Today he led officials on a slow speed chase through Vatican City on the Pope mobile."
"Muslims all over the Middle East are rioting in the streets. These are one billion of the touchiest people I have ever seen on my TV. The latest target of their rage, of course, is Pope Benedict XVI. Last Tuesday, the Pope gave a speech and quoted 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II, who said that everything introduced by Islam is 'evil and inhuman.' Well I say, don't back down your Holy Pope 'cause it's true -- what did they give us? Optics, hydraulic engineering, algebra. There's not an eighth grader in the world who would convict you, sir." --Stephen Colbert
"Pope Benedict said that Christmas isn't about expensive presents; it's about joy. After the statement, the Pope went back to his gold and marble apartment."—Conan O'Brien
"The pope is in his native Germany. He's actually promoting his new movie, the 80-year-old virgin. He spoke at a synagogue in Berlin that was destroyed by the Nazis and apologized for the destruction. Then he politely wondered if, by any chance, during the rebuilding, anyone had found his wallet." --Bill Maher
"The Pope said that churches in countries like the United States are dying out. He said it's like they're going out of business. You know why? People used to need churches to help them understand the word of God. But, see, now that job has been transferred to the federal government." --Jay Leno
"Pope Benedict the Sixteenth said that he prayed that he would not get elected but then he did get elected. Today Hillary Clinton called the pope and said can you pray for me not to get elected in 2008. ... He had hoped to live his last years living quietly and peacefully, and today Al Gore said 'You know, it's not that great.'" --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend in Indianapolis over 30,000 fans attended a Star wars convention. ... Experts say it was the highest concentration of celibate men since they elected the new pope." --Jay Leno