Ralph Nader Jokes

"Neither Bush or Kerry have gotten a flu shot and both said today they won't get one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn't getting a flu shot. Though in his case he doesn't need one because he doesn't come in contact with any large crowds." --Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader's latest complaint - he says he's being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they're called the American people." --Jay Leno

"As you know, we've been having some wild weather, and that could affect the vote on election day. For example: if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it snows in hell, Ralph Nader will win." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Ralph Nadar picked Peter Camejo to be his running mate in the presidential election. Experts say by picking Peter Camejo, Nader is guaranteed to win the vote of Peter Camejo" —Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Ralph Nader has finally picked a running mate. He picked a man by the name of Peter Camejo from the Green party, and this guy has all the qualifications Ralph Nader was looking for in a candidate. He said yes. ...They plan to be the candidates against special interests and apparently it's working for them because no one has any special interest in them." —Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore." —Jon Stewart

"Ralph Nader announced his running mate for the upcoming presidential election. ... The guy's name is Peter Camejo – an investment advisor from here in California . He ran for Governor in the recall election and finished just below Gary Coleman, but 200 votes ahead of Gallagher — so that's a strong addition to the team. Nader says the election is theirs to lose, and that's their plan." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Nader says he chose Camejo because he has experience, wisdom, plus his parents have a garage where they can practice." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry raised all of that money and bought himself an airplane, campaign plane, for $10 million. Ralph Nader, not to be outdone, is having himself shipped across the country in a crate." —David Letterman

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, John Kerry had a meeting with independent candidate Ralph Nader. Afterwards, Kerry said 'The meeting didn't go as well as I had hoped, because my gun jammed.'" —Conan O'Brien

"You ever take a good look at Ralph Nader? Don't you think he looks like Kerry if you left him in the dryer for couple of days?" —Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn't for Ralph Nader we wouldn't have this problem!" —Jay Leno

"Consumer activist Ralph Nader announced he would run for president. When he heard about it, Dennis Kucinich was furious and said, 'He's going to steal my voter away.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader announced he's running for president after a new poll found he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'" —Craig Kilborn

"You know your candidacy is marginal when the Green Party thinks you're too out there." —Jon Stewart, on Ralph Nader's decision to run for president as an independent

"'Conservatives for Nader.' Not a large group. About the same size as 'Retarded Death Row Texans for Bush.'" —Jon Stewart, on Nader's claim that conservatives who are furious with Bush will back his candidacy "On tomorrow's 'Meet the Press' Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by three votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say stay home Nerd, you're the reason we're in this K hole to begin with." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Ralph Nader says he is testing the water and hasn't decided on whether he'll run for president in 2004. Actually, he doesn't really need to run because I think the Democrats feel they can lose without him this time." —Jay Leno

"Apparently Ralph Nader has a new slogan — 'You won't ever have to worry about me getting laid in the Oval Office.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Ralph Nader is so serious running for president this time, he's actually thinking about pressing his suit." —Jay Leno

"Nader says he is launching a campaign based on the Internet. Well, that certainly worked out well for Howard Dean, didn't it?" —Jay Leno

"A big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode." —Craig Kilborn

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman