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Rick Santorum Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum

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Rick Santorum Jokes
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“A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rumors now that Mitt Romney might pick Rick Santorum for his VP running mate. But Rick is dubious. He thinks two guys on the same ticket might be gay.” –David Letterman

“The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, ‘There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Santorum said when he’s in the White House he’ll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is 'Newt Gingrich.' That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection." –Jimmy Fallon

“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien

“You know who hates March Madness? Rick Santorum. It combines the two things he hates most, college and putting something in a hole.” –Bill Maher

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.” –Jay Leno

"According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being 'totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O'Brien

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien

“They're looking for somebody kookier so Rick Santorum is a pretty good choice. He does not believe in birth control. Does not believe in global warming. Does not believe in long-sleeve sweaters.” –David Letterman

"Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even let the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest." -Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” –David letterman

"They're saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there's a word that best describes Rick, it's 'swinging.'" -David Letterman

"I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'" -David Letterman

"Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty. Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings. This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts." –Jay Leno

"Gay groups are upset because Rick Santorum wouldn't let a boy use a pink bowling ball. Maybe Rick just likes black balls, the bigger and heftier the better." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum said he’s not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies.” –Bill Maher

“We have a new frontrunner for the Republicans, Rick Santorum...the little creep that could.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.” –Bill Maher

“Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum's approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth." –Conan O'Brien

“Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will postiion him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that's reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.” –Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon's new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm's way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.” –Seth Meyers

“He wears a sweater vest everywhere, which is proof that he does not have one gay friend... This guy thinks about gay sex more than any gay man in America. There’s a guy down in West Hollywood working at Dorothy’s and Dildos who does not think about gay sex as much as Rick Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn't believe in evolution.” –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest." –David Letterman

"Since yesterday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said '$250,000? Oh, that's cute.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest." –Stephen Colbert

"Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a 'paler shade of what we have in the White House now.' And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, 'I thought that was the whole point." –Bill Maher

"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again - on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that's true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight." –Jay Leno

"Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even use weed whacker. That's how conservative. ... Rick Santorum is so conservative that after his last colonoscopy he went to confession. That's how bad. ... He's so conservative he won't even go to Home Depot to get wood. That's how bad. ... He is so conservative he won't even acknowledge the planet Uranus. That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of 'The View.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, 'Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'" –Conan O'Brien

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