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Ron Paul Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Ron Paul

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"Ron Paul finished second. ... Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers ... and if his message continues to resonate ... and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ron Paul said he's 'nibbling at Mitt Romney's heels.' At 76 years old, I hope somebody's cutting Romney's heels into bite-sized pieces for him." –Craig Ferguson


 "In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as 'dangerous.' Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox." –Conan O'Brien

"Nation, unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing you voted for Ron Paul." –Stephen Colbert


 "Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber." –David Letterman

“Don't you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?” –David Letterman


 "Ron Paul – he looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.” –David Letterman

"How's this for an endorsement? Prostitutes at the world-famous Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada have endorsed Ron Paul for president. They said it was not an easy decision. They said it was hard to overlook Newt Gingrich's solid record of adultery, but still they had to go with Ron Paul." –Jay Leno


 "Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls. When Mitt said, 'My gloves are coming off,' Ron Paul said, 'OK, my teeth are coming out.' And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is incapable of a sex scandal." –David Letterman

"Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party." –Jay Leno


 "Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails." –David Letterman


 "Ron Paul's fake eyebrows are twitching." –from David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs the Candidates Have Debate Fatigue 
 "It's not a good week for Republican memories. Rick Perry forgot the name of the agency he wanted to cut. Herman Cain forgot there was a harassment settlement. And Ron Paul forgot he has no chance of winning." –Craig Ferguson

"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." –Bill Maher

"Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.' Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead. Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas." –Bill Maher

"I had a terrible dream last night - I dreamed my cat was sick and the only veterinarian in town was Ron Paul and I didn't have my proof of pet insurance card. It was awful." –Jay Leno

"How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul's second place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll

"Republican candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama campaign just moved into a 50,000 square foot office in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Ron Paul's campaign landed a sweet kiosk at the mall." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is "Let's Just See What Would Happen." –Conan O'Brien

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