Jack Abramoff Jokes

"Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff reported to prison today for his six-year term for bribing members of Congress. Here is the ironic part -- on his first day in prison, he ran into more congressmen than he did when he was on Capitol Hill." --Jay Leno

"Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff entered federal prison today to start a six-year sentence for fraud. Here's the beautiful thing about Jack Abramoff -- the FBI did not want Jack Abramoff sent to jail because he was telling them so much about corrupt officials. They don't want him to go to prison away from DC because they don't want to commute every day to hear about more stories of corruption. That's America, baby." --Jon Stewart

"Lobbyist and convicted felon Jack Abramoff said he is good friends with indicted Congressman Tom DeLay, and sometimes they sit down and they discuss the Bible together. Apparently they didn't discuss the 'Thou shalt not steal' commandment. Apparently they never got that far." --Jay Leno

"Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno

Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children's book with his dog, from the dog's point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?" --Jay Leno

"And now the Abramoff guy. You know, the lobbyist involved in the corruption scandal? They're now saying he's completely out of money. Tapped out. In fact, they're making a movie about him called 'Broke Ass Mountain.'" --Jay Leno

"A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever payed for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese." --Conan O'Brien

"Because of the Jack Abramoff and Duke Cunningham bribery scandals, Republicans in Congress are now putting together what they are calling a sweeping lobbying reform package. They think it's such a good idea that they're going to charge companies a million dollars to sponsor it." --Jay Leno

"This Jack Abramoff guy allegedly bribed congressmen on issues ranging from wireless phone service to internet gambling. This guy was really up to date on technology. In fact, before he was indicted, he had a deal going with the home shopping network for people to be able to buy a congressman online." --Jay Leno

"In Washington, the Justice Department was evacuated because of a suspicious package. It was okay, it just turned out to be a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff." --David Letterman

"Because of the Jack Abramoff scandal, congressmen are actually returning illegal gifts. I called the weather bureau, and sure enough, hell has frozen over."

"The White House announced today, as everybody else did, that President Bush's re-election campaign, they're going to take the money they got from this Jack Abramoff guy and donate it to heart patients in need. See? It goes right back to Cheney again!" --Jay Leno

"It turns out, Abramoff got a lot of money from the Indian gaming people and then he defrauded them. He defrauded Indian tribes and took their money. I just hope this one incident doesn't poison the normally good trust that existed between the white man and the Indian." --Jay Leno

"When they had to book [Jack Abramoff], they emptied his pockets and Tom DeLay fell out. ... We're learning more and more about this Abramoff guy. You know, before he was a lobbyist, he was a Hollywood producer. So he went from Sodom to Gomorrah." --Jay Leno

"All kinds of gigantic sales going on after Christmas. Today in Washington, lobbyist Jack Abramoff was selling Tom DeLay at 50% off." --Jay Leno

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien