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Rudy Giuliani Jokes

Late-Night Jokes about Rudy Giuliani


"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, and then people started voting. ... He finished in ninth place and 11th place." --Jon Stewart

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno

"Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It's strange, isn't it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself." --David Letterman

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno

"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?" --David Letterman

"After the debate they go into these spin rooms -- all the people from the various campaigns -- and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson's people said he won because he didn't fall asleep. ... Mitt Romney's campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. ... And Rudy's campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife." -Jay Leno

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven.'" --Seth Meyers

"While what he just said doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever with regard to the events of Sept. 11, it does speak to the tragedy that is '9/11 Tourette's.' Won’t you, 9/11, help us 9/11? Because 9/11 is a terrible 9/11 to 9/11." –Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

On Rudy taking a cell phone call from his wife while talking to the NRA: "I'm sorry, what's that honey? You want me to bring home some bullets? Armor-piercing, hollow-point Cop Killers. Alright. Okay, shoot ya later, 9/11′" –Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 in reference to 9/11. ... Isn't that inappropriate? I mean, isn't it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?" --Jay Leno

"Iran's president ... wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her." --Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid Rudy with love, because he is on the attack against Hillary Clinton. Have you seen this? He accused her of spitting venom at General Petraeus, and he paid for a full-page ad in the New York Times. He must miss the days when he was the mayor of New York, and the New York Times would have to print his bulls**t for free." --Bill Maher

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Rudy Giuliani said he is guided by Jesus and the Bible, and he doesn't want people to judge his private life. He then said, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' And then Mitt Romney hit him in the head with a rock" --Jay Leno

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages." --Jay Leno

Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on lightning striking when Rudy Giuliani was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: "No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, 'Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.' And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, 'a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.'"

"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani says he believes in a woman's right to choose, and he's shown that time and time again when it comes to choosing women. He's likes to have his choice. I think this is his third one." --Jay Leno

"Other frontrunners tried to turn a blue background into a red bona fide [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, 'According to George Will, I ran the most conservative government in the last 50 years in New York City']. Wow. You ran the most conservative government in 50 years in New York City? Congratulations on being the thinnest guy at fat camp." --Jon Stewart

"Rudy Giuliani ... now leads Senator McCain in the latest polls by 22 points. 22. Or, as Giuliani himself might phrase it, 'Twice the number of points as the day of the month on which the World Trade Center was attacked while I was mayor. Did I mention I was mayor ... when the world was attacked ... on 9/11?'" --Jon Stewart

"In a speech in Alabama, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said the one thing about him that you can count on is that we he makes a decision, he sticks with it. You don't believe him? You can ask either of his two ex-wives." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right" --Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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