Sarah Palin's Comedy Debut on 'The Tonight Show'

Following is the transcript of Sarah Pailn's monologue jokes during her comedy debut on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," March 2, 2010:

Hello. Thank you, Jay. Thank you. I'm so happy to get to be here. This is a thrill of a lifetime really. And Alaska, being so different from Los Angeles. Here when people have a frozen look on their face, I find out it's Botox.

It is so beautiful here, though, so warm and beautiful. Back home, ooh, it was freezing. It was 5 degrees below Congress' approval rating.

Shaun White on the show. Oh, what an amazing athlete. I watched him do a double McTwist 1260, and the only other people to do a double McTwist 1260 was last week: the White House on healthcare."

It's great to be on the same show as Shaun White. Last time I was this close to the Flying Tomato was when someone threw one at me at a book signing.

I watched the Winter Olympics: skiing, fighting on the ice, skating, bob sledding. In Alaska, that's our morning commute.

How about that amazing closing ceremony. It was beautiful. The minute I saw the giant moose, I remembered I hadn't cooked anything for the kids' dinner.

And that's because I've been really busy. I picked up a gig in Las Vegas at the Legends show, playing Tina Fey.

And next I get to headline. I'll be the speaker at the NRA convention. So be there, or else.

The truth is though I'm glad I'm not vice president. I'm glad because I would not know what to do with all that free time.

But Jay, thank you so much for inviting me. I saw where it's been a few weeks of unfair, non-stop criticism, people who don't know the real story. And I just say, Jay, welcome to my world."

Watch the video of Palin's comedy act (beginning at the 3:34 minute mark).

See Also: Sarah Palin Late-Night Jokes