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Saturday Night Live Jokes

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Jokes on SNL's 'Weekend Udpate'


Tina Fey and Amy Poehler SNL Weekend Update

Saturday Night Live Weekend Update anchors Tina Fey (left) and Amy Poehler

Courtesy of NBC
"In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey

"Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler

"It was announced Thursday that the Army will allow recruits to sign up for just 15 months of active duty. If that doesn't work, the military will try renaming Iraq 'Super Cancun.'" --Amy Poehler

"D.C. City Councilman Marion Barry displayed a gasification machine, which can supposedly convert garbage or sewage into pollution-free energy and drinking water. However, he did not turn it on to prove that it works. And why would he? All I need to hear are the words 'Marion Barry' and 'gasification machine' and I'm ready to invest." --Amy Poehler

"This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush's bitch." --Amy Poehler

"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in there yet." --Amy Poehler

"Tom DeLay's mug shot was released on Thursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown a bag of kittens." --Amy Poehler

"While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bush admitted he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush, 'Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.'" --Amy Poehler

"Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attend by a U.S. delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Senior, Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush and one well-hidden Gameboy." --Amy Poehler

"The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English." --Amy Poehler

"During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as 'mildly pro-choice,' which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant." --Amy Poehler

"Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride." --Tina Fey

"Earlier today former Vermont Governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee -- no word on who will be the neck." --Amy Poehler

"Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of the CBS 'Evening News.' Apparently CBS really likes her idea for a segment called 'Where in the World is Osama bin Laden? ... Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.'" --Tina Fey

"According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have combined $23 million left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair." --Amy PPoehler

"The nation's energy chief says it'll take six months for energy production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old 'Save Gas: Fart In A Jar' t-shirt." --Amy Poehler

"Last night on '20/20' Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration. And like all of her interviews Walters did not shy away form the difficult questions. [Clip of Walters: 'Are you a cat person or a dog person?'] Are you a cat person or a dog person? Of course with President Bush the questions don't need to be difficult to seem difficult. [Walters: 'What three words most describe your state of mind.' Bush: 'Excited, hopeful and appreciative.'] You know he wanted to say 9/11 but he couldn't figure out how many words that was." --Tina Fey
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