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Arnold Schwarzenegger Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Arnold Schwarzenegger

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See Also: Funny Arnold Schwarzenegger Pictures

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money." –David Letterman

"Cowboys & Aliens is supposed to be the next big blockbuster. Doesn't that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?" –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Thank you God! This is the best week ever!'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it's a total housekeeper magnet." —Conan O'Brien

"The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U.S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen...'" –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their mansion on the market for 23 million dollars. The mansion is nice but it's not all that clean. They had a maid, but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid. And today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care ... everything he's taken away from every other child in California." –Craig Ferguson



"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." –Craig Ferguson


"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to clean up messes for you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nobody believes Arnold could have kept this from Maria Shriver for 10 years because that would have required acting." -Bill Maher

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know that 'love child' is an accurate term. I'd call it an 'oh crap' child." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby – who could bench-press a Ford Expedition." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." –Jay Leno

"I'm Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr." –Conan O'Brien


 "Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." –Conan O'Brien


"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." –Jay Leno

"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." –Jay Leno

"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." –Conan O'Brien


"You know what's going to happen. Arnold will check into a sex addiction clinic, and next season the maid will go on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"
-Jay Leno

"Today is 'National Visit Your Relatives Day!' Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, 'Better make it two days.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's going back to acting, but what kind of movies? 'Conan the Octogenarian?' 'Occasional Recall?' 'Tinkle All the Way?' I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I'm not a teacher in California." —Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." —Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor." —Conan O'Brien
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