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Petraeus Scandal Jokes

Late-Night Jokes about the David Patraeus Sex Scandal


Petraeus Scandal Jokes
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"The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director - who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world - if he can't keep an affair secret, you don't have a chance." -Jay Leno

"David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there - don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you." -Conan O'Brien

"CIA Director and former four-star General David Petraeus said today that he did not share any classified information with his mistress. Apparently she only had the launch code to his missile." -Jay Leno

"This David Petraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. In a weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver's license of Petraeus's mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her driver's license because under sex it said, 'Lots with David Petraeus.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" -Seth Meyers

"How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? ... You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing." -David Letterman

"The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA." -Craig Ferguson

"There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?" -Craig Ferguson

"The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who - well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs." -Craig Ferguson

"A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protégé, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon." -Stephen Colbert

"Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone -- of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell -- telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats." -Bill Maher

"This is why I agree with the gays when they say we should not allow heterosexuals in the military." -Bill Maher

"The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama." -Bill Maher

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