Eliot Spitzer Jokes

"Spitzer's going be out of office, he's going to be looking for a job, and I'm thinking, 'Whoa, isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?'" --David Letterman

"It's sad, Spitzer said there's so much left undone -- Amber, Ashley, Rhonda." --David Letterman

"What the Spitzers are saying now is they need some time alone. Eliot and his wife need some time alone now. And I thought this was very nice, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, when he heard this, he offered his vacation restroom on the lake." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself, ladies and gentlemen, this is serious. We're having a lot fun here now, but it's really serious. Eliot Spitzer could go to jail, he could go to prison, think about that. The former governor of New York could go to prison. And, well, that'll be sex he won't have to pay for." --David Letterman

"The New York Times was able to find Kristen, the 22-year-old prostitute who Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour. Her real name is Ashley Dupre. ... Her MySpace page says her first love is music, she wants to be a singer, and then her second love is having sex with governors for money." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It turns out the call girl linked to Eliot Spitzer is also, this is true, an R + B singer, and she said in an interview that her latest song was inspired by a guy. Yeah. She didn't say which guy, but the song is called, 'Bald Creepy Governor.' It's a good song." --Conan O'Brien

"Now this scandal affects a lot of people, it even affects Hillary Clinton, apparently. Political experts are saying that before Eliot Spitzer's scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him as a possible running mate. Yeah. Yeah, now Hillary's considering Spitzer as a possible husband." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, they said Eliot Spitzer may have spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes. $80,000, wait a minute, think about it, with the stock market going down, real estate markets crashing, he got a better return than most guys on his money, didn't he?" --Jay Leno

"I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York, resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip." --David Letterman

"But here's the deal, now Spitzer will have to pay women to call him governor." --David Letterman

"Eliot Spitzer was a Hillary Clinton superdelegate. ... Also, Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton's vice president list, possible running mate. Boy, she can pick 'em, can't she?" --David Letterman

"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David Letterman

"Our governor, Eliot Spitzer, resigned today. ... And to make things official, Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York's secretary of state. He wrote a letter. Yeah. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Spitzer's resignation is bad news for Hillary Clinton. Did you know this? It's not good for Hillary Clinton, because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York. That means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. It's true. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman." --Conan O'Brien

"Now they are saying he may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that’s only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today he held another press conference he said he needed to leave to begin the difficult process of healing. Not emotionally -- his wife hit him in the face with a George Foreman Grill." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the more sordid details are starting to emerge, supposedly, Spitzer didn't like to wear a condom which I’m sure was just the cherry on top of his wife's cake." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno

"No, the FBI said they became suspicious after tracking what they call 'questionable transfers of money' from Spitzer's account. See, at first they thought he was hiding bribe money. And then they realized it's highly unlikely that the governor would be bribed by a woman named Cindy Candypants." --Jay Leno

"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? ... It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by now, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he was involved in a prostitution ring. Now this is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution ring. So apparently, it was for not giving him good service." --Jay Leno

"This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to a governor, I guess, since Arnold Schwarzenegger did 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno

"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know something, this shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean, you got Democrats. Now, they're supposed to be poor, right? Don't Democrats traditionally represent the poor people? They're paying $5,000 an hour for sex. You got the Republicans. They're supposed to be rich, right? They're cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. What's going on?" --Jay Leno

"Do you ever notice politics is the only profession when a guy gets caught with a hooker, the wife has to stand by his side. You know, if this guy was a plumber and he got caught with a prostitute, he'd have his wife's SUV tire tracks over his head." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times reported that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a customer of a high-end prostitution ring, that the prostitutes knew him as Client #9. Client #9, yeah. Not surprisingly, clients one through eight were Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien

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~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman