Sex Jokes

"Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, 'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton says that when President Clinton confessed to her about his affair, she wanted to, quote, 'Wring his neck.' Hillary decided against it when she realized choking Bill would only enhance his orgasm." —Conan O'Brien

"Our old friend Monica Lewinksy is back in the news. She has been accepted to graduate school in London. She says she wants to be a psychologist. Yeah, now she says she wants to blow people's minds." --Bill Maher

"Bill Clinton's new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In fact, it's already in its third printing. The first two were stained." —David Letterman

"Did you see Rehnquist when he arrived? He was hunched over, wearing a black beret and a big oversized robe. In fact, Bill Clinton saw him from the back and said, 'Monica?'" --Jay Leno, on seeing Chief Justice William Rehnquist at President Bush's inauguration

"Bill Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can clean up from his last operation -- remove fluid build up. Now isn't that what got him impeached last time?" --Jay Leno

"Not everyone is happy about the library. Some architectural critics say that the library look like a double-wide trailer. ... In fact there is even a sign outside that says: 'If the library is rocking don't come a knocking.'" --Conan O'Brien, on the Clinton Presidential Library

"Former President Clinton is doing well and getting better everyday. In fact, yesterday they took him off his respirator and today they took him off his nurse." —Conan O'Brien

"A new article in Vanity Fair says Bill Clinton is having trouble finishing his new book, entitled 'My Life,' in time to meet his deadline. It's not too surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand." —Jimmy Fallon

"Monica Lewinsky told this month's Cosmo magazine that if it weren't for Bill Clinton, she would be a mom now, with two kids. Really? Not the way she was doing it." —Jay Leno

"Bush announced he's pulled out of the 1978 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. ... I think this is the biggest thing a president has pulled out of since Monica" —David

Letterman "President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since ... well, Monica." —David Letterman

"It turns out now that Bill Clinton ... he had tape recorders working in the Oval Office. This could get pretty good. They apparently were voice activated, just like his fly. These tapes are available to everybody. There's 80 in the Clinton audiotape collection. And if you buy all 80, he'll throw his sex video, 'Too Hot for the Starr Report.' ... The tape recorder was equipped with forward, reverse and pause, just like his interns. ... The people that have listened to them say you can't really hear anything because of the sound of Monica's head thumping on the desk." —David Letterman