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Stephen Colbert Quotes

Funny Quotes and Jokes by Stephen Colbert

By

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert, host of The Colbert Report on Comedy Central

See Also:
Best Stephen Colbert Quotes of All Time
Best Stewart and Colbert Quotes of the Year
Funny Stephen Colbert Pictures

"Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity." --Stephen Colbert

"Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil." --Stephen Colbert

"Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, the exact same way that fire extinguishers cause fires." —Stephen Colbert

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it." —Stephen Colbert

"Agnostics are just atheists without balls." —Stephen Colbert "Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!" --Stephen Colbert

"Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight." --Stephen Colbert

"Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds." --Stephen Colbert

"Whoever did this obviously did not know sh*t about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims -- a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on." --Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombing

"If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?" --Stephen Colbert

"I love its message of 'F**k them, I got mine."' --Stephen Colbert on "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand

"If you ignore something long enough, it will go away. Just look at Sarah Palin." --Stephen Colbert

"The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights." --Stephen Colbert on the Supreme Court taking up gay marriage

"But you are also the biggest threat of all...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mind away." --Stephen Colbert to Neil Patrick Harris

"After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!" --Stephen Colbert, announcing his presidential campaign on "The Colbert Report"

"I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat." --Stephen Colbert, delivering the commencement address at Knox College (Read more highlights)

"Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]" --Stephen Colbert

"To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face." --Stephen Colbert, roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents' dinner (Full transcript here)

"I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

"When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday -- no matter what happened Tuesday." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

"TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population." --Stephen Colbert

"We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']" --Stephen Colbert

"I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. ... He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation." --Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

"It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls." --Stephen Colbert

"So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']" --Stephen Colbert

"A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry." --Stephen Colbert

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