Stephen Colbert Quotes

"Senator McCain, stop taking away are right to do it 'cause it doesn't exist. It's like licensing unicorns or ending Leprechaun Wednesdays." --Stephen Colbert, on torture

"Saddam's trial, the TV event of the year. It's like the Oscars, but with atrocities." --Stephen Colbert

"We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers." --Stephen Colbert

"And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the "wordanistas" over at Websters, are gonna say, "Hey, that's not a word!" Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen...

"I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart...

"The 'truthiness' is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news...at you." --Stephen Colbert, on the premiere of The Colbert Report

"We've learned John Roberts is a no-nonsense guy, prefers a half Windsor knot for his tie, is no fan of cuff links. And, most tellingly, he parts his hair on the left, which very well might raise some hackles on the right" --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ... to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil." --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"Apparently the U.S. never had possession of these dangerous munitions, and didn't even find out they were gone until a couple of weeks ago. So to the Bush critics who call this incompetence, the White House responds: 'Joke's on you, it's actually ignorance.'" Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"Might I point out, this is the same Senator Kerry who voted against the president's tax cuts. Now he wants to tell you he's for explosives not being stolen from weapons depots. Which is it, Senator, you can't have it both ways?" --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"It's one thing to believe Bush's policies are leading his country toward a bleak future of massive debt, increased terrorism, and environmental catastrophe but does Dean have to be so mad about it? He just comes off as petty. I mean, if America liked angry presidents JFK would have beaten all those secretaries instead of nailing them." —Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert, on why he believes Howard Dean is too angry to appeal to the general electorate