"Dick Cheney. And that's all I got to say. Isn't it great that we've reached that point? You don't even have to say Dick Cheney, the vice president who shot his friend in the face. ... Going quail hunting is like saying I'm going fishing and going to a gold fish pool and going, 'Got it.'"
"The last year and a half has by far been the toughest time to be a comedian. It's just become more and more difficult. I just can't keep up. ... It used to be easy. There used to be one or two things that happened in a week. ... I don't even have a ports of Dubai joke and we're on to immigration. You tell me how we're going to catch 11 million people. ... And build a fence that's 700 miles long? A fence that would basically be the distance from Washington to Chicago. We're going to build that fence and then it's going to take Congress five years to decide what color to paint it. We're going to build a fence that's 700 miles long and we couldn't build levees in New Orleans?"
"If I've learned anything from the last year and a half, it's simply that we don't know what we're doing anymore. Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi all hit by this huge storm and the U.S. Government watched it as if it were a made-for-TV movie."
"The job that prepared Michael Brown for FEMA was he was the head of the Arabian Horse Association. You can see the connection there. Not even a great fiction writer could come up with that. He ran horse shows and he was fired from that job. ... You could be drunk and be vomiting for three days and still run a horse show."
"About six months ago, I was home alone watching the president speak on television and ... realized that one of us was nuts. And for the first time in my life, it wasn't me."
"It's not like I'm saying Kerry would have been any better. Let's face it. When you when into that voting booth, you had a choice between two bowls of s***. The only difference was the smell. How did you Democrats find Kerry? What's the matter with you people? ... The first time I heard him speak, I thought ... 'I don't have enough bread crumbs to get me home.' The fact of the matter is the Democrats not being able to find somebody to defeat George Bush is beyond belief. It's stunning. It would be like finding a normal person who would lose in the Special Olympics."
Watch a video clip from "Lewis Black: Red, White & Screwed" (Warning: contains explicit language)
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