"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phony press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it's all reporters and no FEMA members." --Jay Leno

"Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I wish.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Folks, when I decided to run for president I did not do it for attention. I did it to fulfill a dream of being the most popular man in the world. But the media can't keep their sticky hands out of my populous pie. Look at these headlines: ABC NEWS, 'Colbert Campaign May Run Afoul of Law;' Politico, 'Colbert 'run' risks breaking law;' Outside the Beltway, 'Colbert Run May Violate Federal Election Law.' For the record, I would never knowingly violate any federal election laws. Luckily, I don't know any federal election laws." --Stephen Colbert

"Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I'm thinking to myself, 'Saw one? My God, it looks like he's been riding one'" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's meltdown during the debate the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said, 'It was Hillary's worst performance since our honeymoon.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is trying his best to catch up to Hillary in the polls. Going into last night's debate, he promised to go after her more directly than he has in the past. All the candidates, in fact, are ganging up on Hillary. They attacked her on her foreign policy, her trustworthiness, her leadership ability, her electability. I thought this was out of bounds. John Edwards called her a nappy-headed ho." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender. … You know, we've made a lot of jokes about Dick Cheney and hunting and shooting his buddies in the face ... but he really is a great sportsman. I mean, before he shoots the pheasant, he makes it dig its own grave" --David Letterman

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Jokes for the Week of Oct. 14-20

"Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Isn't that amazing? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party." --Jay Leno

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno

"The Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. Believe it or not, they actually have a lot in common. One of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to completely empty your mind. The president did that years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A White House spokesman said President Bush is very happy Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Not Dick Cheney. Oh, no. Dick Cheney said today now he wants to bomb Norway." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler

"I think I know why you're happy tonight ... 'cause Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Or, as President Bush announced it, 'Sweden is with the terrorists.' No, the president did not say that. What he said was, 'The Nobel Prize is just a theory. It needs more study.'" --Bill Maher

"Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he's won a Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he's not even thinking about the presidency 'cause he's totally focused on winning the Heisman." --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama ... went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door -- not looking for votes, trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno

"America's favorite professional restroom enthusiast, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, has agreed to be interviewed by 'Today Show''s Matt Lauer tomorrow night on NBC. Craig said he wanted to make this his first interview because he feels NBC -- and we're very flattered -- is a well respected news organization that deals fairly with their subjects. He also finds Matt Lauer dreamy. ... At Senator Craig's request, all questions will be scribbled on a piece of toilet paper and discreetly passed to him." --Jay Leno

"This past weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame. See, I don't know how these things work. Is he a pitcher or a catcher?" --Jay Leno

"China is outraged at the United States for honoring the Dalai Lama at the White House. They're pretty mad. I hope they don't try to get back at us, you know, like maybe putting lead in our toys or anti-freeze in our toothpaste." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, said she believes there's a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, 'No sweetheart, that's just your grandmother.'" --Conan O'Brien

"We're learning more and more information about that Republican debate the other night. Apparently, the Republicans were really paranoid about security at the debate. Security was very, very high. To make sure there were no embarrassing incidents, I understand they had three security guards posted at every bathroom stall." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's name was mentioned 12 times the other night. 12 times! Of course, Hillary was stunned. She's not used to guys yelling out her name." --Jay Leno

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Jokes for the Week of Oct. 6-13

"After the debate they go into these spin rooms and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson's people said he won because he didn't fall asleep. Mitt Romney's campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. And Rudy Giuliani's campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife." --Jay Leno

"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?" --David Letterman

"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it's all part of their plan to sell zero magazines" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming -- Hillary thawing." --Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig ... has been selected for the Idaho Hall of Fame. Well, what a well thought out choice that was. ... Actually, he's not being inducted into the entire hall, just the men's room" --Jay Leno

"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate." --Conan O'Brien

"There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don't think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, 'I need more lines.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement ... which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. ... The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license." --Jay Leno

"Tonight's Republican debate will be the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday on the campaign trail .enator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, 'It's not just NAFTA. I'm also opposed to my husband's views on MILFs." --Conan O'Brien

"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Senator Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to 'get him in a room and slap him around.' When he heard this, Craig said, 'Don't say it unless you really mean it'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler

"If Dennis Kucinich is elected president, his wife would be the first first lady ever with a pierced tongue. And he would be the first president ever to sit in the Oval Office on a booster seat." --Jay Leno

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Jokes for the Week of Sept. 30-Oct. 6

"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Rudy Giuliani has taken cell phone calls from his wife over 40 times during speeches. 40 times! And each time, it was a different wife calling." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the Child Health Insurance Plan. I believe his comment was, 'Childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again.'" --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary's plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. ... $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too." --Jay Leno

"It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton's campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama's campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions." --Conan O'Brien

"The airport bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested is now being renovated, and the new bathroom will have stall dividers that go all the way down to the floor. When he heard about the new stall dividers, Senator Craig said, 'It doesn't matter. Love will find a way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers

"Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun" --David Letterman

"They also had a big debate this week, the Democrats. ... The news out of it was that they were asked, 'Do you think you could get the troops out of Iraq by the end of your first term in 2013?' All the frontrunners said 'no.' No! By 2013! Barack Obama called it 'the audacity of nope.'" --Bill Maher

"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno

"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher

"Last night was the premiere of 'Dancing Around The Issues,' otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate. ... The three Democratic frontrunners said last night ... that setting a timetable for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can't project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling out troops basically depends on the situation on the ground. Otherwise known as the 'Bush plan.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at a global conference on poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked at himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, 'Bill, this is moment you've been training for your whole life.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey, 52% of people have had sex with a colleague at work. 52%! You know, I can never look at Hannity and Colmes the same way again." --Jay Leno

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Jokes for the Week of Sept. 23-29

"This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 ... in reference to 9/11. ... Isn't that inappropriate? I mean, isn't it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, 'If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we'll take a cab.'" --Conan O'Brien

"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman

"The Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn't support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it." --Bill Maher

"The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that douchbag on the Internet who says 'Leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher

"The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-Members-Only-Jacket-Jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. ... This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He's looked very hard for them, he's even placed personal ads. ... Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he'd be better dressed." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let's hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. ... That's so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either" --Jon Stewart

"As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." --Jay Leno

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher

"Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings." --Jay Leno

"Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, 'Then I'm suing for $700 million.'" --Conan O'Brien

Jokes for the Week of Sept. 16-22

"Senator John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said being tasered in the chest was still better than sitting through an entire Kerry speech." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. ... In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don't know Hillary has the world's best laugh. Bill added, 'I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish." --Conan O'Brien

"The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis." --Conan O'Brien

"A University of Florida student was tasered after asking John Kerry about the 2004 election. ... I believe this is the first time anyone's ever been electrified at a John Kerry speech." --Jay Leno

"While the cops had him down, did you hear what he yelled to the police? He was yelling ... 'Don't tase me bro.' You know something, any time a white guy says the word 'bro,' he deserves to get tasered." --Jay Leno

"Tonight we talk about the video we've all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I've seen, choose to be tasered. ... The entire situation was an unfortunate combination of police overreaction and what appears to be student douchebagery." --Jon Stewart

"In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W. Bush's Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is his History, Math, Science." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her." --Bill Maher

"This week, General Petraeus has been testifying before Congress and today, a number of senators accused General Petraeus of lying. You've gotta understand why they're upset. If you are going to deceive the American people, you do it the right way ... you run for Congress." --Jay Leno

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now." --Jay Leno

"When the cops arrested O.J., they found him at the blackjack table trying to play the race card." --Jay Leno

"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys ... to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' ... So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed." --Jimmy Kimmel

Jokes for the Week of Sept. 2-8

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. ... Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig is now saying that his constitutional rights were violated when he was arrested in an airport's men's room. Craig was furious. He said, 'When I got to a men's room, I do the violating.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There is a new biography of President Bush out, have you heard this? Where it says the president cries a lot. The president said, 'I do tears.' So lets see, he's impulsive, he's stubborn, he's weepy. Sorry Hillary, apparently we already have our first female president." --Bill Maher

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman." --Jay Leno

"With most of the country against the war, our top military man in Iraq, General Petraeus, says he does not know if the war is making us safer. ... In fact, for a lot people, it's more dangerous ... like Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today was the big Iraq report. General Petraeus said the troops can start coming home next summer. ... I believe his exact words were, 'And then it's Hillary's mess.'" --David Letterman

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Petraeus gave his progress report on Iraq to Congress. Many of the senators commented to the general. Senator Barbara Boxer said Petraeus was overly optimistic; Mel Martinez of Florida thanked the general; Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said, 'There's something about a man in uniform.'" --Jay Leno

"General Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate. After the testimony, Senator Craig said, 'You may not know this, general, but right now I'm saluting you.'" --David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them" --Jay Leno

"Have you heard the latest on men's room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? ... He has taken back his guilty plea. ... He's changed it to just curious. ... Have you heard his defense? ... Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution -- and this is true -- a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom." --Jay Leno

"Everybody's talking about the MTV Awards. ... Did anybody see Britney Spears? ... They said that she appeared sluggish. They said she was glassy-eyed. Sounds to me like somebody could use another hour in rehab. ... Although, General Petraeus thought it went quite well." --David Letterman

"Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him." --Bill Maher

"Fred Thompson just unveiled his campaign slogan, his campaign slogan is: 'United in our core beliefs.' Yeah, if the slogan's a hit, Thompson plans to unveil another one: 'United in our core beliefs: Special Victims Unit." --Conan O'Brien

"I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman

"President Bush had a big day of dumbness yesterday. He was in Sydney, Australia for the APEC summit. That's a gathering of 21 countries that are responsible for half the world's trade, and he started off by saying he was happy to be at the OPEC summit, which is an entirely different thing. Then he called Australians Austrians, at the end of the speech he went the wrong way and almost fell off the stage, somebody had to grab him. It was really a banner day for the president. With Karl Rove gone, the president is like a slightly-inbred golden retriever that slipped off it's leash." --Jimmy Kimmel

Jokes for the Week of Sept. 2-8

"Senator Larry Craig announced he's now rethinking his decision to resign from the Senate. Craig says he's going to talk the decision over with his wife, and the guy in stall number 3." --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. Larry Craig is having second thoughts about resigning, and I was thinking, well, he should have had second thoughts about tapping his foot in the men's room. ... No, he's changed his mind and he's thinking he's going to stay in the Senate, and that occurred to him after he saw the new batch of fall pages." --David Letterman

"I learned today that President Bush is a sensitive man. There's a new biography of the president out in which he says 'I do tears,' which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it's kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"Boy, how about that Senator Larry Craig. Now he's thinking maybe he will be back in the Senate. He's not really going to resign. The whole thing raises a question for me: shouldn't those cops that arrested him at the airport, shouldn't they be looking for terrorists, honestly." --David Letterman

"First he pleaded guilty to soliciting in the men's room, then he said he wasn't guilty. Then he said he was resigning, and now he is going back on that. Even John Kerry's going, 'make up your mind.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise." --Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson is all over the news. He'll challenge Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani for the Republican nomination. Apparently he's very popular, but, here's why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: very simple, that's his wife. [on screen: A picture of Fred Thompson with wife Jeri.] America is not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush, maybe, but besides that no." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend Senator Larry Craig from Iowa resigned from the Senate. He said he'd like to spend more time not being gay." --David Letterman

"Despite the fact that he announced his resignation on Saturday, his spokesman now says he may not resign, he may want to stay in office. He's guilty, he's not guilty; he's resigning, he's not resigning; he's gay, he's straight; can this guy make up his mind already? Even though he's already pled guilty to the charges, he's hiring lawyers now to look into reversing his plea from guilty to not guilty. And they say he's not stopping himself there, he's also suing himself for defamation of character" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The best Republican sex scandal continues to unfold today, as Senator Larry Craig plead guilty to a misdemeanor after he got caught in a police sting operation in the men's room of a Minneapolis airport. ... The terror alert level in our nation's airport bathrooms has been raised to lavender. Some members of the GOP are demanding the senator give up his seat, which when you think about it, that's how he got in trouble in the first place!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The cop says he was giving off gay signals in the men's room. Like when he threw a table cloth over the baby changing station and lit candles and opened a bottle of merlot." --Bill Maher

"Now, of course, the Republicans have completely turned on Larry Craig, as Jesus would. ... John McCain has called for him to step down, Mitt Romney has called for him to step down, Mark Foley has just called him." --Bill Maher

"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman

"Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno

"Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien

Read current late-night jokes...

Jokes for the Week of Aug. 26-Sept. 1

"How about that poor Senator Craig from Idaho? ... So he gets arrested in a men's room there at the airport in Minneapolis. And here's the deal now. He's now in Stage One of a political sex scandal: defiance. Stage Two: stepping down to spend more time with his family. Stage Three: 'I'm gay and I'm proud!'" --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself, this Craig is in a tough spot. When you're up for re-election, you don't want to be known as 'The Restroom Don Juan.'" --David Letterman

"Now there's more trouble for Senator Craig. First he's accused of soliciting gay sex at an airport. Now's he accused of soliciting gay sex at a train station. Craig denied the charges and said if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a big night at the bus terminal." --Conan O'Brien

"The guy was arrested for lewd behavior in the men's room, and I'm thinking, 'Well, hell. I'm lucky if I can get a hand dryer to blow'" --David Letterman

"Senator Larry Craig ... declared he won't quit and he's not gay. And then Craig said 'I'm sorry. I meant to say I won't quit being gay.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Today the senator's office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis." --Jay Leno

"There's another scandal in Washington. One of the senator's from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in airport men's room. Gives new meaning to the word 'caucusing.'" --David Letterman

"Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, maybe that was your second mistake." --David Letterman

"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. ... Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. ... Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. ... If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell." -Jay Leno

"They also came up with what they call the National Intelligence Estimate for Iraq. ... They said ... the Iraqi political leaders remain unable to govern effectively. President Bush said that was the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. Judging leaders by their effectiveness?" --Bill Maher

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Jokes for the Weeks of Aug. 5-18

"Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron's homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage." --Conan O'Brien

"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She's a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards' fundraising -- you know, compared to the other candidates -- is she can't make him black and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have." –Jay Leno

"The presidential race heating up slowly over the last nine years. ... Potential Republican candidate -- he hasn't declared yet, but a lot of people think he's going to run -- Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, Senator Fred Thompson said that all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he's been showing too much cleavage." --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody watch the Republican candidates debate this weekend? ... The last time I saw that many white guys arguing was the last Republican debate" --Jay Leno

"Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said that between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us the Great Satan, it was like being back in Malibu." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie, 'The Bourne Ultimatum,' had the biggest movie opening ever for the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Senator John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno

"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction.' --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of July 29-Aug. 4

"Hillary Clinton is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. People feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. ... But I think there's something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled up sock in his pants." –Jay Leno

"There's a new sex poll. ... According to researchers, there are 237 reasons why people have sex. ... For me, number two would be my credit card went through. A little farther down on the list, I happen to be in an elevator with Paris Hilton. ... Reason 237: something to do while my wife is running for president" –David Letterman

"Man, it was hot today. ... It was so hot today, Hillary spoke before the Senate topless. ... This is such a stupid story. The Washington Post has criticized Senator Hillary Clinton for showing cleavage while speaking in front of the Senate. See, that seems sexist to me. They've never gone after Senator Ted Kennedy for doing the exact same thing." --Jay Leno

"It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their last argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other now. When they do speak, it's really icy. As Hillary calls that, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton, down there in Washington, DC, appeared on the Senate floor wearing a pink blazer and a skimpy top. She looked so hot, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a drink. ... She looked so hot, everyone thought she was Senator Vitter's date. ... She looked so hot, by mistake, Bill hit on her" --David Letterman

"More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain's media team has resigned. McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman ... John McCain" --Jay Leno

"The White House is now demanding Congress move quickly on a new treaty to allow more Arctic oil drilling, 'cause they say the melting polar ice caps means more oil is easily available. See, this combines the two things the administration loves -- global warming and drilling for oil." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch -- he's from Australia, billionaire -- now owns two United States newspapers, Fox network, National Geographic magazine, MySpace. I'm thinking, 'Why can't we build a fence to keep this guy out?'" –David Letterman



Jokes for the Week of July 22-28

"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. ... He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots" --David Letterman

"On Saturday, President Bush underwent a colonoscopy. It was performed by Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. ... White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said that during the procedure, President Bush was 'asleep, but responsive.' So, how is that different from any other day?" --Jay Leno

"Doctors said that during the colonoscopy, they did find something -- five polyps and two reporters from Fox News." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had that colonoscopy over the weekend. ... The doctors found five polyps. And I was thinking, 'Hell, maybe we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.'" --David Letterman

"John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, sometimes it says he shampoos his hair and then skips conditioner completely." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani is probably going to be the next president of the United States ... because it's all about image. He's got the big anti-terrorist image. On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife ... whoever that may be at the time. ... Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. I'm not making that up. I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote." –Bill Maher

"On the Democratic side, the only two candidates who could not actually run together on a ticket are Hillary [Clinton] and Barack Obama, because that's too much non-male whiteness for America. ... And the Republicans would have a field day if they ran together. First, Bush would call like twelve fake terror alerts. And then the Republicans would run a series of ads about how terrorism is happening now again ... and this is no time to trust the country to a woman and a black teenager" --Bill Maher

"But everything's fine. The procedure went well. After the operation on Bush's colon, the doctors put his head back up his ass." --David Letterman

"At least for once in our lifetimes, we saw the words 'Bush,' 'operation,' and 'success' in the same sentence." --Bill Maher, on Bush's colonoscopy

"The president had five polyps removed from his lower intestines. And here's the interesting part: they were removed for political reasons. Apparently, these polyps were not loyal Bushies and had to be replaced by more appropriate, die hard Republican polyps. Apparently, the polyps who were removed began asking questions as to why they were removed, but it was too late." --Jon Stewart

"Tomorrow, President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he's going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That's right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Voldemort will be running the country." --Conan O'Brien

"You know who got married last weekend? Al Gore's daughter. ... Al Gore is no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting." --David Letterman

"Today is the 38th anniversary of the first man on the moon. ... That's remarkable. And just as remarkable, we're still waiting for the first man on Condoleezza Rice." –David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of July 15-21

"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"Last night, down in Washington, DC, they had the all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the DC madam's slowest night ever." --David Letterman

"Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough decision for people." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, down in Washington, DC, Congress is working around the clock to try and solve the problem in Iraq. And I was thinking, 'Gee, maybe they should have done that before we went in.'" --David Letterman

"The U.S. Senate held an all-night session last night, trying to get the votes needed to begin troop withdrawal from Iraq. They lost. They stayed in the Senate chamber all night long, with some of them sleeping on cots. In fact, Hillary stayed up so late, she actually saw Bill sneaking in." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has a new campaign slogan, 'An Army Of One.' ... I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store." --Jay Leno

"Last night, the Senate held an all-night session, and Senator Hillary Clinton gave a speech at four in the morning. Apparently, it was the first time Hillary gave a speech at four in the morning that didn't start with, 'Where the hell have you been?'" --Conan O'Brien

"At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted being involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters -- the working men and the working girls of Louisiana." --Jay Leno

"The DC madam said he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him ... and they didn't have sex. Another example of government waste." --Jay Leno

"In other political news, John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment ... because his communications director quit." --Jay Leno

"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno

"As you know, we are now entering our fifth year of making very good progress in Iraq. Obviously, the president defining progress now as 'moving forward through time.' ... But this spring, Congress finally asked the president for some specifics about our progress and its level of goodness. They required him to submit regular reports, and our first report card is in [on screen: Bush saying the Iraqis have made progress on eight of 18 benchmarks]. Yes! There you have it -- eight of 18. Otherwise known as a 'Gentleman's F.'" --Jon Stewart

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

Jokes for the Week of July 8-14

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. His first stop today: John McCain's headquarters." --Jay Leno

"There's a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted he's been dating prostitutes. And he was very generous with one girl---he paid her with a new highway project in her home state. ... One thing I'll say for this guy from Louisiana, this David Vitter, at least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone." --David Letterman

"The darling of the religious right, conservative Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. And today that crazy astronaut called him 'my dream guy! He's got my vote.'" --Jay Leno

"What is it with Republicans and weird sex? If it's not young boys, it's diapers, some other strange fetish. Why can't they just have sex under a desk with an intern like a normal person." --Jay Leno

"Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans." ---Stephen Colbert

"The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman

"President Bush was talking about Iraq today and he said that the United States and Iraq has met eight out of 18 of the benchmarks ... required in Iraq. If things don't improve, people are going to think the war isn't going well." --David Letterman

"Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can't health care be more fabulous?" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, each candidate has an appeal for gay voters. I mean, Barack Obama knows what it's like to face intolerance; John Edwards gets $400 haircuts; and Hillary is really in need of a makeover. In fact, the winner of the gay debate will go on to face Rudy Giuliani in the cross-dressing caucus" --Jay Leno

"Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien

"A member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the officer for $20. How broke is the McCain campaign? I knew they needed money, I had no idea. Man, that's not a good sign when you're sending guys to the men's room to raise money." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Al Gore's son was arrested speeding doing 100mph. Al's already made a movie about it called 'An Inconvenient Son'" --David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of June 24-30

"Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews' 'Hardball' yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it's a good thing Coulter hadn't attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling" --Jay Leno

"A new poll says that 40% of Americans still believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11. Unfortunately, two of those people -- Cheney and Bush " --Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader talking about running for president again. He's been accused of being a spoiler. You know what that is? A spoiler is a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example, Al Gore's spoiler was Ralph Nader. George Bush Sr.'s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. John Kerry's spoiler was John Kerry." --Jay Leno

"In a 5-4 decision the court found against the student's speech rights, as the court felt that 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' constituted an implied pro-drug message. Said the student whose actions five years ago started the whole case quote, 'I did what, now?'" --Jon Stewart

"This week they had the annual congressional baseball game. The House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. Typical of both parties -- the Republicans kept stealing, and then after the game, the Democrats demanded a recount." --Jay Leno

Jon Stewart, to Samantha Bee: "Now Justice Kennedy he voted with the conservatives all four times this time, but he's still seen as a swing vote, if he were to side with the liberals on a case then." Bee: "Yeah it would be five to five, that's correct." Stewart: "Uhhh, five to five, no that would be ten judges." Bee: "Yes but if Kennedy were to rule on the liberal, then Justice Cheney would cast the tie-breaking vote." Stewart: "You mean Justice Dick Cheney?" Bee: "Yes, the VP is not only in both and neither of the executive and legislative branches, he's also a member of the Supreme Court. Have you read the Constitution?"

"You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart

"According to a new Gallup poll, the new Democratically-controlled Congress has the lowest approval rating in the history of Gallup poll-taking. Only 14% of Americans have confidence in Congress. 14%! Even HMOs are at 15%. At least with the HMO, they put a rubber glove on first." --Jay Leno

"Have you seen that campaign commercial for Hillary Clinton? It's a spoof on 'The Sopranos' finale. Bill Clinton appears in the ad too, along with the actor who played 'Johnny Sack.' Johnny Sack, which, coincidentally, was also Clinton's Secret Service codename." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton has picked 'You and I' by Celine Dion as her campaign theme song. In a related story, John McCain's campaign song also by Celine Dion. It's the theme from 'Titantic.'" --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of June 17-23

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party and has become an Independent. Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don't confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president." --Jay Leno

"In a campaign ad that's a spoof of the big 'Sopranos' finale, Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. Anybody know the difference between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? See, Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary Clinton goes to the strip club to find her spouse" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, big announcement. Senator Clinton picked the winning campaign song during this clever parody of 'The Sopranos' finale. Clever, of course, because it compares the Clintons to a notorious crime family. ... Parody? Or is that what they call in the business, 'getting ahead of the story?'" --Jon Stewart

"Have you seen this new video on YouTube with this attractive, sexy girl is singing the song 'I Got a Crush on Obama'? It was made by some of Barack Obama's fans. ... Well, now there's another one called 'I've Got a Crush on John Edwards,' which is being sung by John Edwards." --Jay Leno

"Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. ... Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, 'Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine'" --Conan O'Brien

"Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now." --Jay Leno

"According to USA Today -- this is why Congress has such a low approval rating -- 72 members of Congress have given over $5 million of campaign money to relatives or companies owned by relatives. There is now a bill in Congress that would ban nepotism in politics. President Bush says he will sign it ... as soon as he runs it past his dad and brother Jeb." --Jay Leno

"It has been reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service code name is 'Renegade.' Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service name 'Ballbuster.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman

"'Rudy's promises to America.' Yes, Rudolph Giuliani always keeps his promises, unless he makes them to you as you're marrying him" --Jon Stewart

"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno

Read current late-night jokes... Jokes for the Week of June 10-16

"Today the White House said the president's watch was not stolen. They said he took it off before he started shaking hands, which means there are two possibilities. Either Albanians stole the president's watch, or the president took off his watch because he doesn't trust Albanians. Neither scenario paints a particularly rosy picture of Albanian-American relations." --Jimmy Kimmel

"George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. ... It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him" --David Letterman

"Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in 'Jurassic Park' with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in 'Close Encounters.' ... You'd think he'd endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in 'E.T.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush was in Rome and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope 'sir' instead of 'your holiness.' Hey, it could have been worse. I'm surprised he didn't call him the 'Popester'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. ... So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore." --David Letterman

"I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded … To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as 'the poor man's Kazakhstan.'" --Jon Stewart

"Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions" --Jon Stewart

"The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. ... Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since 'Rent' was made into a movie. ... They even devoted a special plane to drop the bomb. It's the Enola Really Gay." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, 'The first step to the White House.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll out today, Hillary Clinton's lead in the polls is due to her support by women. ... See, she's attracting the woman vote and Bill is attracting the other woman vote." --Jay Leno

"George Bush is traveling around Europe. ... A couple of days ago, he's touring through Albania and he's shaking hands with people and someone steals his wrist watch. ... The Secret Service jumped right on it and they turned in a description of the watch. Mickey's gloves are white. His pants are red. His buttons are yellow. It's all part of George Bush's 'No Pickpocket Left Behind' program." –David Letterman

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Jokes for the Week of June 3-9

"Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison, even though he is a good friend of Vice President Dick Cheney. Hey, he got off easy. Cheney's other friends got shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"On the downside, Jefferson faces 235 years in prison. On the upside, now we know what it takes for the federal government to pay some attention to a black man from New Orleans" --Jon Stewart, on the indictment of Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA)

"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of threats to public safety, I don't know if you watched the Democratic presidential debate last night ... I didn't. But I assume I would have been really impressed with the way Hillary, Obama, and Edwards cemented their status as frontrunners; Gravel said somethin' batsh*t crazy; Richardson talked about New Mexico; Biden said you can't ship Richardson back to Mexico; and Kucinich called for the deployment of an all-butterfly army." --Stephen Colbert

"During last night's Democratic debate, all the candidates said that if they were elected, they would get rid of the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy for gay soldiers. 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' will be replaced by the new policy, 'Don't Tell Me You're Wearing Those Boots With That Gun.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Leaders from the eight wealthiest countries in the world are gathering in Germany for what they call the G8 Summit. The G8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren't into soccer something to riot about. ... President Bush is there. See, I don't think President Bush really understands the G8. ... Every time someone says G8, he yells out, 'Bingo.'" --Jay Leno

"They say it's just a matter of time before former senator and 'Law & Order' actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn't offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush is at the big G8 Summit in Germany. Many Germans are protesting his visit. See, that's when you know things are bad ... when the Germans think you're invading too many countries." --Jay Leno

Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on lightning striking Rudy Giuliani while he was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: "No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, 'Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.' And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, 'a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.'" "Al Gore made an appearance in Chicago today, and at one point, the crowd started chanting 'Run, Al, Run!' They weren't talking about the presidency, they just think he's fat." --Conan O'Brien

"There are a whole bunch of books about Hillary Clinton. According to a biography of Hillary by Carl Bernstein ... Bill Clinton planned to divorce Hillary. ... And when asked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, 'There are worse things than infidelity.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah. Fidelity.'" --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of May 20-26

"Jimmy Carter called Bush and his administration the worst in history. As you know, President Bush's approval numbers have dropped as low as 28%. That's the lowest for any president since ... Jimmy Carter. So, I guess he knows what he's talking about." --Jay Leno

"Now Jimmy Carter is backtracking. He's saying his comments were misinterpreted. Yeah, I'm sure the phrase 'worst in history' can be taken any number of ways …Under President Bush, sure, we have the war in Iraq. But the young kids don't remember. Under President Carter, we had something far worse -- disco." --Jay Leno

"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high of $3.15 this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." --Amy Poehler

"Barack Obama recently spent two days campaigning in New Hampshire. Everywhere he went in New Hampshire, Obama was greeted with shouts of 'Go Barack!', 'Beat Hillary!', and 'Hey look! It's a black guy!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani says he believes in a woman's right to choose, and he's shown that time and time again when it comes to choosing women. He's likes to have his choice. I think this is his third one." --Jay Leno

"Good news. ... The Democrats dug around and they found their rubber stamp. ... The new bill contains a plan to establish 18 benchmarks. ... It's sort of like punishing your child by saying, 'If you don't get your grades up, you are grounded ... unless, of course, you would like to go out. And by the way, you are grading yourself and I keep the pot in the silverware drawer" --Jon Stewart, on the Iraq funding bill

"Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey's ex-wife said, when she found out her husband was gay, she went to Hillary Clinton for advice. Hillary said, 'Gay? I wish I had your problems'" --Conan O'Brien

"It looks like the Senate and the president have finally agreed on an immigration bill. ... This one looks like it could become law and, of course, nobody likes it. The conservatives say the bill gives amnesty to the illegals. The liberals say it doesn't go far enough to protect the hardworking immigrants here in America. And the L.A.P.D. doesn't know who to beat up." --Bill Maher

"The liberals are saying that this guest worker program ... is really just a way to depress wages and create a permanent underclass of exploited labor. To which the president said, 'And the problem is?'" --Bill Maher

"Basically, some immigrants already in the country illegally will have to pay a $5,000 fine, then the head of the household will make a touch-back trip to their home country, at which point they can apply for Z visas ... or one can apply for a probationary card ... or you can get a guest-worker Y visa. ... Of course, you understand all of that because you're an illegal alien who doesn't speak English very well and lives in fear of deportation" --Jon Stewart, on the immigration reform bill

"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien

"The head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, resigned after getting in trouble for promoting his girlfriend and then giving her a huge raise. This is a worse tragedy for the girl ... because now it means she slept with him for nothing" --Jay Leno

"The man who is described often as the architect of the Iraq war, Paul Wolfowitz, who went on to be the head of the World Bank, is finally stepping down. Leave it to the Bush people to find the one Jew who can't run a bank." --Bill Maher

"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is coming under fire. He said that his working for a Wall Street hedge fund that caters to rich investors shouldn't overshadow his efforts on poverty. Edwards said he's worked very hard to eliminate poverty, especially his own." --Jay Leno

"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers

"Today is the 54th anniversary of the first man getting to the top of Mt. Everest. Now, if only we could get one on top of Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"Toyota introduced a luxury hybrid car that costs $125,000. The luxury hybrid is perfect for the person who wants to be environmentally conscious, but still wants to look like a selfish a-hole." --Conan O'Brien

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