"John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain's lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky - six months ago, that was his campaign war chest." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has dropped out of the presidential race, leaving John McCain as the Republican frontrunner. The GOP likes to call itself the Big Tent Party. Mike Huckabee, he'd be the Revivalist Tent. Ron Paul would be the Circus Tent. And John McCain is the Oxygen Tent." --Jay Leno

“They say Romney spent $37 million of his own money on the campaign. That’s amazing. I was able to not win the Presidency for free. It didn’t cost me a dime." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big day for Hillary Clinton. She won in Samoa. And coincidentally that's where she's hiding Bill." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club. ... He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back ... and I want it in singles." --Craig Ferguson

"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

"Mitt looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear … Mitt looks like a guy who said he met Marge on eHarmony … Mitt looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes … Mitt looks like a guy who tries to sign you up for Herbalife … Mitt looks like a Beverly Hills cop … He looks like a golf commentator fired for an off-the-cuff remark … Mitt looks like a guy who forgot to remove his teeth whitening strip … Mitt looks like the maitre d' who tells you your table's not ready." –David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's Mitticisms)

"The GOP candidates are still sniping at each other. You've been following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor? What happened?" --Jay Leno

"Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. 'Let's go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher

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