"It was a great night for John McCain. In fact, all is going just perfectly for John McCain until today when President Bush endorsed him for president. All that hard work right down the drain. The truth is, McCain asked President Bush to endorse him. I'm starting to think that maybe the guy likes torture." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times just reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'That's ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno

"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." --Jimmy Kimmel

Jon Stewart to Hillary Clinton: "This election is about judgment. Tomorrow is perhaps one of the most important days of your life, and yet you have chosen to spend the night before talking to me. Senator, as a host I'm delighted. As a citizen, frightened." Hillary Clinton, in response: "It is pretty pathetic" (Watch video clip)

"I think the world of John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who still talks real loud on a long-distance phone call? 'What time is it where you are? What? Can you hear me?' ... He looks like the guy you are waiting for to stop gabbing with the teller. ... He looks like a guy who sits at his dinner tray and watches the 'Beltway Boys.' ... He looks like the relative who you get blank e-mails from. ... He looks like the guy whose wife forced him to go on a cruise. ... He looks like the guy you have to nudge when his name is called. ... He looks like a freelance crosswalk guard." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at McCain)

"Mike Huckabee is still in the race, at this point. Yesterday, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said he won't stay in the race beyond reason. Then Huckabee announced he's dropping out six weeks ago" --Conan O'Brien

"I guess Obama won Vermont. Clinton won Rhode Island, which is a tiny little state. It's only the size of a head of a pin. We don't know who won Ohio or Texas yet. Obama was ahead in Texas. Hillary's not going to quit though, even if she loses. She told her supporters tonight, 'If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins, and we don't want that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"So how did the final four fare in last night's crucial Texas and Ohio primaries? Perhaps the opening words from their speeches tell the tale. Sure, each scene looked festive, but is it? Let's start with Hillary Clinton [on screen: HRC saying, 'This nation is coming back, and so is this campaign']. I swear to God, I'm starting to think she's one of those Terminators. She can't be stopped. You throw them in the vat, you think it's over, and all of a sudden, the little droplets start to recoagulate, and she rises up -- I won Ohio!" --Jon Stewart

"But there is some good news. The Democrats are destroying themselves. Nation, Hillary Clinton is back! Senator Clinton pulled out major victories in Ohio and Texas, leaving Barack Obama so demoralized he began sputtering incoherently [on screen: Obama speaking in Spanish]. Analysts say the turning point came when Senator Clinton planted serious doubts in the minds of voters about whether Barack Obama could answer a phone." --Stephen Colbert

"It's a horse race again, a vicious, brutal horse race with razor sharp claws instead of hooves. Between now and the convention, those two are going to duke it out primary by primary and horde every delegate they can find. Guam, prepare to be relevant. It will all come down to a brokered convention with the superdelegates, unable to decide between Clinton and Obama, will ultimately pick the darkhorse candidate, that CNN touch screen computer. Once it becomes self-aware, human candidates won't be able to able to compete with its encyclopedic knowledge of America's counties, especially once it picks a Diebold machine as its running mate." --Stephen Colbert

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