The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday April 25, 2008
"Even though she won yesterday, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now $10 million in debt. $10 million in debt, and, ironically, her big issue: 'I can handle the economy.'" --Jay Leno"President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show 'Deal or No Deal.' Afterwards, Bush said, 'I like this show, because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Apparently he didn't feel he was ready for 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?'" --David Letterman
"The primary race is dragging on and on and on. But the Democrats are trying to put a good face on it. They're confident, they say now, absolutely they will have a nominee for president by McCain's second year in office. So there. They're ready to go." --David Letterman
"I'm no pundit, I'm no political expert, but here is the problem with what the Democrats are doing. They're spending too much time attacking one another, and not enough time trying to rig the election. That's the problem." --David Letterman
"Hillary, very confident, says she is ready for the 3 a.m. phone call, and McCain says he is ready for the 3 p.m. nap." --David Letterman
"No one talks about John McCain anymore because he won his side of the thing, and now he's just wandering around. … So he's trying to do things to get press, this week John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'Forgotten Places in America.' Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove of the job he's doing. That's even worse than Nixon, right, before he left office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Of course, all the presidential candidates seized on the pope's visit. And people are speculating which presidential candidate is most like the pope. And it's hard to say. I mean, you got John McCain, he's the old guy. He's closest to God. Barack Obama is the elitist. He's holier than thou. And, of course, Hillary who is married to Bill Clinton, and who has forgiven more sin than Hillary? How do you pick one?" --Jay Leno
"Hillary, she went all out. She pulled out all the stops to win in the state of Pennsylvania. The other day, this is true, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. And Bill Clinton visited several lesbian bars, too, but he wasn't campaigning. He was actually just there anyway." --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary was so happy, and you could see it in her face, she was thrilled during the victory celebration. Here's how happy she was, she even let Bill bring a date." --David Letterman
"Do you like John McCain? John McCain looks like the kind of guy that doesn't pick the phone up until the 12th ring. He looks like the kind of guy who has a cupboard full of canned peaches. John McCain looks like the kind of guy who thinks the cleaning woman will love any crap he's tossing out" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)
"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher
"On 'Hardball' the other day, a student asked John McCain to do shots with him after the debate, and all of the candidates have their favorite drinks now. For example, John McCain, he prefers Old Granddad. He likes that. Barack Obama, he likes the elitist Manhattan with extra bitters. And, of course, Hillary likes a shot of Old Crow, straight up." --Jay Leno
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Comments
Arizona has the funniest candidates for President. It would only be funnier, if it wasn’t for real!
If you think the national leading candidates were hitting rock bottom, Arizona has just set the bar lower, much lower. Unbeknown to cable news pundits spinning themselves silly around polls, Arizona’s Primary is destined to make history. A grouping of dark-horse candidacies has doubled the choices for our nation’s highest elected office. Historic with four women on the ballot. Project White House 08, a microcosm of the national race, offers as much passion and absurdity as any of the front-running campaigns.
Tired of back-biting politics? Mud-sligning and name-calling?
Flip those national campaigns the proverbial finger and join the brave candidates of the Arizona Primary in their bold experiment in politics.
Project White House 08
“Thank you for your support, citizen.”
http://www.projectwhitehouse08.com
Shocking Hillary Clinton ad!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxAVN0kWdC8
I thin Jay Leno’s joke was the best. lol Visit my blog to see more funny Political Cartoons at http://www.political-cartoons.org
I don’t know how many votes you get for American Idol, but Dancing with the Stars you get 7 and Dance Wars you get 5. In Florida’s Primary, you only get 1 vote for President, but if you are a Democrat, it doesn’t even count!
love all the pictures - say are there any conservative humorists or was Will Rogers the last?
Since ridicule is the best way to destroy a candidates integrity, I don’t suppose it matters.
It’s like a political TiVo — I can even read Leno’s jokes w/o that annoying voice.
Anyway, you’ve been included over at “Something Smells Funny” (found2bfunny.blogspot.com). Congrats! Feel free to brag to your friends.
Oh yes!
:)
McCain has enough delegates to claim the nomination. When I saw the “1191″ behind him I thought it was his birth date.
i love the humor about the election… checkout this site as well…
www.thecandidateschat.com
The only thing worse than these guys are the wives that stand by their men.
http://thecandidacy.com/2008/03/13/elliot-spitzer-is-an-ass/
“Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.”
Woah… that is… dull?
Obamanation - A Poem To Make One Shudder
OBAMANATION
Obama goes to church for twenty years
And sits and listens with those huge ears
Yet, expects us to believe he doesn’t hear?
That’s an Obamanation.
And have you noticed how close a name
Can be to a person’s lifetime game?
Like Hitler’s name’s a clue - A. Hit.
And that’s an Obamanation.
I get a bad feeling when I hear
The name that goes with those big deaf ears,
That pray upon our racial fears,
I hear an Obamanation.
Goodbye to hope and peace and change
Obama’s sainthood is most profane
Please do not laugh at my explanation
Obama is an Obamanation.
It seems like God is sending us a clue
To protect our red, white and blue
From false prophets, the likes of who
Bear clues - It’s Obama, Nation!
His preacher-monster, hateful bigot,
Spews death and blood like an open spigot
Don’t join the ranks of foolish exaltation
I believe he’ll lead us to O’, say it, Bomb A Nation.
The devil assumes a pleasing shape
While teaching hatred of whites, that is spiritual rape,
What’s in his name that excites my imagination?
I believe he wants to O’, say it, Bomb Our Nation.
He wants to bomb America, that’s right, with “change”
Whatever that means, it is horrifyingly strange
To preach hatred of whites should bring condemnation
Especially when the name’s an Obamanation.
TO HARRISON WATERS,
DO YOU BELONG TO THE NEO-NAZI PARTY? OR MAYBE YOUR JUST A FOX NEWS JUNKIE.
Thought you’d like this. It’s a George W. Bush as Caligula, trailer remix! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENzNMg0nu80
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Great quotes and jokes. Apart from getting all these serious issues going on about politics, jokes tend to bring a little laughter.
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The campaign for president this year, is just to easy to joke about. I think this video is pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYH86eYxR4Y