The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." -Jon Stewart

"Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe, that Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?" -David Letterman

"Today marks the official beginning of President Obama's second year in office. He has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether." -Jimmy Fallon

"I am Conan O'Brien, and I am just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history." -Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot stop corporations from spending money on political candidates. Which explains why Sarah Palin has accepted $1 million to change her name to Pizza Hut." -Jimmy Fallon

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno

"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate." -Jimmy Kimmel

"This is pretty sleazy. John Edwards' former aide says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby to do a DNA test. Apparently the test showed that both the diaper and John Edwards are full of crap." -Jay Leno

"There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was in law school. See back then, GOP stood for Grand Old Package." -Jay Leno

"In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network." --Conan O'Brien

"I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January." -Conan O'Brien

"Listen to this: In 2009, the FBI reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." -Jimmy Fallon

"The Kennedy legacy goes down to a naked guy who owns a truck." -Jon Stewart, on Scott Brown

"Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f**k he wanted." -Jon Stewart (Watch video)

"The FBI has released a sketch of what Osama bin Laden looks like now. You know, he's aged. It's been, like, nine years. So the FBI puts out a sketch so we can get an idea what he looks like nine years older. And I said, 'Why don't we put out a sketch of what he looks like when he's captured?'" -David Letterman

"There's a new book out that says Sarah Palin was an ignoramus who believes Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. And I thought, well, no, that's George Bush. Wasn't that George Bush?" -David Letterman

"It's been quite a week for late night television. I just want to mention that if anyone wants to pay me 45 million dollars to go home, I'll go." -Jimmy Kimmel

"I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know, and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun. As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity." -Conan O'Brien, signing off from "The Tonight Show"

Read last week's jokes, check out our daily late-night joke roundup, or browse the best jokes from recent months.

See Also: The Week's Best Political Cartoons

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