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Daniel Kurtzman

Top 10 TSA Jokes

By November 24, 2010

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TSA Jokes About Pat-Downs Junk-Groping and Security Screenings See Also:
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A roundup of the best late-night jokes about TSA pat-downs and other invasive screening procedures, as ranked by our fans on Facebook:

1. "This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house." —Seth Meyers

2. "Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." —Jimmy Kimmel

3. "Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" —Jay Leno

4. "TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." —David Letterman

5. "The TSA, it's our business to touch yours." —from a "Saturday Night Live" skit portraying TSA agents as sex workers

6. "In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" —Conan O'Brien

7. From David Letterman's Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent: "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"

8. "The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" —David Letterman

9. ‎"You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married." —Seth Meyers

10. "The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity." —Jimmy Fallon

Read more jokes about TSA pat-downs and body scans...

See Also:
Funny TSA Bumper Stickers
Airport Security Cartoons
TSA Logo Parodies
Best Late-Night Jokes of 2010

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Comments

November 29, 2010 at 11:03 pm
(1) Nicole says:

“Hey, don’t worry – my hands are still warm from the LAST guy!”

“Grope Discounts are Available!” “Can’t see London, Can’t See France… not until I see your underpants!”

“Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.’” -Jay Leno

“A friend of mine told me that going through the enhanced TSA pat down brought back tearful memories of growing up a choirboy.” – Loren Keim

“TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.” –David Letterman

“The TSA, it’s our business to touch yours.” –from an SNL skit “There was supposed to be a protest, but nobody opted out of the full-body scans, maybe because of the signs TSA posted: ‘If you are embarrassed by your penis size, you may opt out of being scanned.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I was over at Burbank airport and you could tell it’s Thanksgiving. I saw a TSA agent probing a guy with a turkey baster.” –Jay Leno

“T.S.A.: If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first.”

“T.S.A.: We are now free to move about your pants.”

“T.S.A.: Wanna Fly? Drop your fly.”

“T.S.A.: It’s not a grope. It’s a freedom pat.” .

“TSA: We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.”

December 7, 2010 at 3:44 am
(2) Nicole says:

“The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.” –Jay Leno

“This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested BEFORE they get to their uncle’s house.” -Seth Meyers

“The TSA. Handling more packages than Santa Clause.” – Loren Keim

“When in doubt – we make you whip it out”

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent”
10. “Do I need a degree in groping?”
9. “Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?”
8. “If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?”
7. “Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?”
6. “If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?” That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?
5. “Should I practice by frisking people on the street?”
4. “In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?”
3. “Do I really want to know what a fat guy’s thighs feel like?”
2. “May I frisk myself?”
1. “What’s the closest airport to Shakira’s house?”

December 19, 2010 at 9:49 am
(3) IamLittleJohnny says:

The TSA Scanners and groping are the way to healthcare reform! see what I mean, http://iamlittlejohnny.com/2010/12/17/holiday-travel-is-the-answer-to-healthcare-reform%e2%80%93-who-woulda-thunk-it/

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